21 Weeks

This week definitely flew by!  The excitement of finding out we are having a girl is still fresh.  We get to call her "Ruby" all the time now, which makes it all seem more real.  It is such a change going from "him/her" and "the baby" to "Ruby."
She is just hanging out, kicking a lot, rolling around, and growing!  Time is going to fly I think.  We have so much to do to get ready, and with receiving several gifts at the party and for Christmas, we need to get a closet cleaned out soon!  I hope to buy something ourselves soon for her...we haven't bought a thing!

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now.

The Big Reveal!

  

The beautiful cake!

Made by Heaven Scent Cakes in Cartersville.  Until we cut the cake, the baker and the doctor were the only ones who knew the big news!  The proof picture was locked up in the glove box of my car all night.

We had everyone write their names on the big pink or blue baby decorations according to their prediction when they arrived to the party.

 We placed the cake out on the table and my mom noticed that the icing was beginning to wrinkle on one side....so we quickly put it back in the fridge so it wouldn't slide down and spoil the surprise!  Hannah was standing guard!

 Me and my mom

 Cutting........

 And..........

 It's a GIRL!!!!!

 A beautiful, delicious pink cake to celebrate the big news. 

The vote was completely split, 10 voted for boy, 10 voted for girl.

I didn't vote. :)

 Then lots of yummy food (compliments of my mom! thanks!) and fellowship with our closest friends and family!

 Corey and his bff

 Bethany shooting up the insulin before partaking in a piece of cake.

 Christi, Aggie, Me, and Bethany

The kids waiting to leave.

This was one of the most exciting things we've ever done! Several people asked how in the world we were able to resist "cheating" and looking at the picture.  To me, it wasn't that difficult, because we had such a fun party planned and were looking forward to sharing it with everyone.  

After we cut the cake I got out the picture that the doctor had sealed up for us.

It is definitely 100% a GIRL no doubt! ha ha ha! I won't post that picture for you, ha ha.

So....we are all thrilled!  The absolute best news we got yesterday of course, when we got the clean bill of health for the little one.  But, the joy is just added in knowing that a sweet little girl is headed our way in May.

Her name will be  

Ruby Faith.

It's a Boy or a Girl!

And here is his/or her beautiful profile!

The scan went fantastic today!!!!!!

All the parts are present and accounted for.  The lady who did the scan is also one of the doctors.  She did not make fun of all my nerdy envelopes and requests.  I was kind of anxious about that part, ha ha.  Sometimes ultrasound people act like they hate their jobs, so I was very please with the experience.

I had an envelope with a piece of paper to mark for the bakery people.  I also had an envelope for the gender pics to seal up until tomorrow night.  And I had one more envelope with pictures like the one above with no revealing information showing.

We were able to watch the entire thing and she told us when to look away to keep the gender a surprise.  She was able to get the gender shots easily I am assuming because it only took a couple of minutes and she was done and we were able to look again.  She was so great!

The results were sealed in the appropriate envelope and we took it straight to the bakery.

I am very thankful and relieved that the baby is growing well and looks perfect!

And we get to enjoy more excitement tomorrow night as we find out if we have a little girl or boy coming our way in May! :)

20 Weeks!

We're halfway there!  Tomorrow is the big ultrasound and we'll get to see the little one bouncing around.  Hopefully we won't see any "goods" accidentally so the cake reveal will remain a surprise even to us.  We plan to take the results straight to the bakery so we can get the cake made in time for the party on Thursday night.
Here's more about 20 weeks:

Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)
He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).

I will probably update again after the ultrasound in the morning.

Fatigue!

So, how do you tell if you are just super tired and fatigued as a normal pregnancy symptom, or if you are anemic?
The thought had not even occurred to me until today when I posted about my extreme tiredness on the babycenter birth board.
I can't believe I didn't think of it before, because I always seem to think of it for other people when they have the same symptoms!
I have always been great about taking vitamins.  I love salads and healthy foods.  But I have not been very good about either one of those things since about 8 weeks along.  I know...BAD me!  The vitamins were making my sickness MUCH worse so I got out of the habit.  And I've not been making up for it very much with my diet since even with the sickness gone my appetite has still been really picky.
So....I guess I am going back to the pills today.  If it will help me be more functional and less extremely fatigued and help me be healthier, then I really need to do it.  Please pray that the vitamins won't make me sick again!

19 Weeks!

Almost halfway there!
In just a little over a week we will know BOY OR GIRL and can hopefully start calling him/her by a name.  That is, unless it's a boy then Corey and I will have to hire a mediator before we can decide on the name.
Here's more about week 19:

Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.
Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

I am still feeling pretty good, but have started being uncomfortable at night, so I don't sleep well.  I don't recall this happening so early before.  My hips get sore from laying on my side but I can't lay on my back because it isn't long before I am extremely uncomfortable in that position.  Tummy sleeping is totally out now.  I am getting a snoogle for Christmas and am counting down the days in hopes that it will make a big difference in my sleep habits!

The View From 18 Weeks

In exactly two weeks I'll be posting the big news: BOY OR GIRL?!?!

Our ultrasound is on December 22nd...a year TO THE DATE of this post and when we got the devastating news confirming our first miscarriage.  How sweet that God timed our year this way!

18 Weeks!

Another week with no posts in between! We are just hanging out and doing the school thing these days.  We drove down to see Fantasy in Lights at Callaway Gardens this past weekend.  I had to take two pills that day, but for the most part I am only needing 1 a day now and feeling good most of the time.  Here is all about the sweet potato this week:

Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long, and he weighs almost 7 ounces. He's busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. His blood vessels are visible through his thin skin, and his ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from his head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around his nerves, a process that will continue for a year after he's born. If you're having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. If you're having a boy, his genitals are noticeable now, but he may hide them from you during an ultrasound.

Just two more weeks until the big ultrasound and the reveal party.  We have a lot to keep us busy so it will go by quickly!

17 Weeks

Wow! No posts between weeks 16 and 17!  Well, it isn't because life has been quiet.  We all had a stomach bug over Thanksgiving weekend.  It was AWFUL!  I wasted a lot of my medicine because I kept throwing it up.... before we realized it was actually a bug.  No medicine would have helped.  We are all better now...hope that never returns!
Here is all about week 17, the week of the onion:

Your baby's skeleton is changing-- from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now, and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop.

Less to say this week.  I am feeling movement pretty much daily now.  More often after I eat, and more if I eat something sweet.  We heard the heartbeat the other day at home loud and clear...it was super fast like a galloping horse!  Now I've read a lot that says a galloping heartbeat and anything over 140 is usually a girl... so my instincts may have been wrong in the beginning! I can hardly wait for the big surprise party to find out!

16 Weeks!

I can't believe it!  16 weeks seems like real progess! ha ha!  Here's all about the week of the avocado:

Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now,he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

Up and Down

My sickness has really been unpredictable recently.  As of last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I was feeling much worse!  I even woke up in the middle of the night a few times and had to get up and take one of my pills.  NOT good!
Then...all of a sudden yesterday afternoon I felt much better!  I even skipped taking a pill at lunch today and none this evening and still feel great.
Who knows?!?!?  Maybe it's really related to when the hormones make a big jump.  Or diet related.  I've been drinking more orange juice and eating more sugar recently....and that seems to have helped?!?!?!  Could be sugar dips making me sick? 
I have no idea, but all I know is I feel much better today!

Boy or Girl?!

This morning's appointment went GREAT!  
As usual, I was called right back, and on my way into the back area I noticed that there was a flyer and business cards displayed advertising Bradley classes!  YAY!  This doctor will be supportive of Bradley natural childbirth, which is our goal!  I had heard some horror stories about some doctor's not approving of patients who take Bradley classes because they end up being very educated and opinionated about the birth experience.  It was a big relief to see that they are supportive of this method!  Also, they were completely fine and non-pushy about my turning down the down's and cystic fibrosis screenings.  
The heartbeat was found quickly and easily....measured in the 150s.
And, we scheduled the 20 week appointment and ULTRASOUND! YAY!
We are planning a party to reveal "boy or girl" for our family and friends...and us too!
The plan is to take the results (picture) to a bakery and they will make the inside of the cake pink or blue.  We will all find out at the party when we cut in to the cake!
I've already reserved the church for the party, ordered the cake, and sent out evites.
What will we do if for some reason they can't tell boy or girl?  Well...the party is scheduled the day after the ultrasound so we will have time to cancel.  And I'll just get the cake made with Christmas decorations instead and we'll take it to a Christmas gathering. :)
Five weeks until the next appointment.  Which also means only FIVE weeks until CHRISTMAS people!

15 Weeks!

The week of the orange! 
I am positive that I felt the baby moving yesterday! I have felt a few flutters here and there previously, but there was no mistaking it this time.  It was very neat!
I am feeling much better.  The doctor prescribed Reglan, and it has been a wonder drug!!!! Works much better than Zofran did for me.  I am happy to have something that I know will work even will I feel my worst!  Not sure if I am to the point of feeling better without it, I haven't been brave enough to try.
Here are the facts about week 15:

Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces. She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds. Finally, if you have an ultrasound this week, you may be able to find out whether your baby's a boy or a girl! (Don't be too disappointed if it remains a mystery, though. Nailing down your baby's sex depends on the clarity of the picture and on your baby's position. He or she may be modestly curled up or turned in such a way as to "hide the goods.")

My appointment is tomorrow morning.  We should be scheduling the "big" ultrasound so we will know when to expect to find out boy or girl!!!!

Back to the Drawing Board

I have been MISERABLY sick today!  Worse than I have been this entire pregnancy.  Threw up everything I ate all day.
I guess I'm going to go back to the Unisom at night.  That seemed to be working out okay before.
Corey is picking up the prescription my dr. gave me last time but it is for Reglan.  I really did not want to take that drug because of what I've read about it.  But, I am so miserable right now that I may take it just to see if I can get back to the Unisom routine working.  I can't even keep down a chewable antacid! UGH!

14 Weeks

How am I feeling at 14 weeks?  Well...right now, I feel pretty good.  The sickness hits mostly late at night right now.  But, I haven't been throwing up at all anymore.
I skipped my nightly b6 and unisom for the first time in MANY weeks last night.  I was taking it at night because that was helping me feel better during the day, but I thought maybe since I was feeling better anyway, that perhaps it wasn't helping much anymore and could just be making me lethargic and feel worse now.  We'll see how that goes today.
I will be needing to buy some maternity clothes soon.  I am so reluctant to do that, so reluctant to buy anything actually.  I still just can't believe it I think.  As much as we are planning and as sick as I've felt I just truly still can't believe it's happening! ha ha.

We are in the week of the lemon:

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.
In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches, and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel his tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active.

I go to the doctor next week! I am very much looking forward to it!!!!

Second Trimester

I guess I am officially in the second trimester now!  40 weeks divided by 3 is 13.3....not sure how that would translate into days, but I am 13 weeks and 4 days, so pretty sure I am there by now.
I felt really great last week, as I mentioned in my previous post, but something has changed in the past 3-4 days.  I have felt very nauseous and even threw up again one night this week.  Antacid seemed to help, and yesterday I felt great again, but today back to bad.  Oh well. 
It's probably from sugar.  Sugar has been making me feel really miserable.  Last night Corey made homemade Rice Krispy Treats per my request and that's probably why I feel so bad today.
We started the pre work on the kids room rearrangement today.
After a lively conversation about which room would work best for what purpose (baby or kids sharing) we decided that Katie's current room will be the room that Katie and Noah will share together.  And Noah's room will be a play room/catch all until we get the basement play room finished, at which point Noah's room will be turned into a baby room/nursery/guest bedroom.
Katie currently has a full sized bed.  It is very cute, painted black, but distinctly a girl's bed.  If we find out we are having a girl, we will use her bedroom suit in the nursery as a spare bed (anyone whose ever had a baby/todder will know how valuable an extra bed in the nursery can be) and it can be used for anyone who comes to help when the baby is here. The dresser can even be used as a changing spot by just adding a pad.  And, if we're having a boy, we'll just look for a cheap alternate headboard to go with the set and we already have the dresser/changing table we used with Katie and Noah which is unisex. It will be nice to have an extra bed.  Especially since the kids are each getting their own loft/bunks for Christmas, we will have plenty of room for company now! 
Speaking of the loft/bunks, I am excited about the kids new room.  We are planning to do a rock and roll theme bedroom and they will each have a canopy/tent over the top loft area which will be a book/reading/quiet/private area for each of them since they will be sharing a room.
Our goal is to have the kids moved together in their new rooms for Christmas, then focus on the basement play room.  Then, we will have next summer to work on the nursery/baby room.  What does a 7 month old really *need* for Christmas anyway?  I think a room of their own would be a great Christmas gift project for him/her! :)
We are not even going to pretend that we will need a nursery before the baby is actually here, or even immediately after he/she arrives, ha ha.  We have a bedside co-sleeper that we used with Noah, and there is plenty of room in our bedroom for a small crib until we get a nursery done.  Since I nursed both Katie and Noah for a full year and being in the room with us works out great for us until they sleep through the night, we aren't going to waste time and energy preparing a nursery when what we REALLY need is a playroom for the kids!
In all honestly, the nursery will probably be functional by then most likely...as in a space for a crib and chair or something, but it's definitely not on our current to-do list. Our "must-haves" for the baby's arrival consist of very few things:
1. car seat
2. diapers (newborn only, natural, we are going to cloth after the newborn stage)
3. wipes
4. sleepers/clothes
5. blankets

13 Weeks

I have felt really well the past week.  Especially compared with how I was feeling before.  I haven't had to take any medication other than my nightly unisom and b6 (suggested by the dr) because late at night I tend to start feeling pretty badly.  I am extremely tired and taking a nap most afternoons.  If I don't eat every few hours I start to feel bad also.  But as long as I stay on top of snacking I feel pretty good.
I am almost into the second trimester.  I can't believe it.  I know the holidays are going to make things just seem to fly into the late second and even third trimester.  It will be here before I know it.
This is the week of the peach.  I definitely feel my insides shifting around.  It's almost exactly two weeks until my next appointment.

Here is the run down of week 13:

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head — which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Your baby is almost 3 inches long and weighs nearly an ounce. This is the last week of your first trimester, and your risk of miscarriage is now much lower than earlier in pregnancy. Next week marks the beginning of your second trimester, a time of relative comfort for many women who see early pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness and fatigue subside.

12 Weeks

12 weeks!  My sickness has now settled into an evening event.  Better than all day I suppose.

I am already looking forward to my next appointment!  But it won't be for another 3 weeks.

I ordered a fetal doppler and it came on Saturday.  I tried for a while on Saturday and Sunday, but couldn't find the heartbeat at home.  But I really didn't stress.  Very early yesterday morning I got woke up by a bad storm, and my bladder was very full so I got up and tried at that point.  And I found it! Just beating away like crazy! 
I am only going to let myself check it once a week though, IF I am super worried.  I just like having the ability to check it if I want to.
Here's some more info about week 12: the week of the plum!

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce.

Baby Update

Well....this little one is growing!!!!
I had my second appointment today.  I still love this practice.  I was in and out in less than half an hour!
The doctor came in, and said we'll try to find the heartbeat, but sometimes it's difficult at just 11 weeks.
She searched around a little bit and we kept hearing my own heartbeat.
Then, all of a sudden, there it was!
Loud and clear!
Strong, beautiful, rapid baby heart beating away!
The doctor said, "I can see the change on your face" and she laughed.
Words cannot explain the relief I felt at that moment.  She listened for a bit and said it was in the 150s she would guess.  Nothing scientific, ha ha.

I think I will be allowing myself to really get excited now.  I just can't believe it!!!!
I've never been so excited to NOT get an ultrasound at an OB appointment!

Reprieve (11 weeks)

I have felt pretty "okay" the past few days.  On Sunday I felt well enough to drive us out to Rome for lunch at The Olive Garden.  The soup, salad, and breadsticks were soooooooo delicious! Then, we went to Toys R Us to pick up some of Katie's birthday party supplies, then came home and I cleaned up a good bit around the house.
Yesterday I felt pretty well too, but not quite as good as Sunday.  I was back to the cheese grits, but no throwing up and no medication!
The only thing I have been doing differently is sticking to taking the B6 and Unisom at night.  And I've kept a banana by the bed at night and take a bite when I wake up any during the night.
It's good to not feel awful ALL the time!
I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am very anxious to get in there and see that everything is still good.  I have every confidence that with everything still going well at 11 weeks, I will be able to relax.


11 weeks!  Only 2 weeks away from the second trimester... I can hardly believe it!  The size of a lime now...here's the rest:

Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden.

She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Remembering all my friends and people I know who've experienced the loss of a pregnancy or newborn.

May God bless you today!

Independence

Out of necessity, the kids have become a lot more independent lately.  Especially in the area of getting their own food prepared.  Katie is great at making toast with butter and toppings for herself.  They can operate the microwave with supervision from the other room. :)
Now, if I could only figure out a way that they could pour their own milk, then breakfast would be a breeze!  Milk is something that is very tricky though, unless the jug is almost empty.   Hmmmm.....

10 weeks!

I am 10 weeks along as of yesterday!  I feel.....AWFUL! ha ha.  I thought I felt bad before, but let me tell you, 10 weeks has hit me HARD!  Yesterday was the worst day yet.  Threw up after every meal until I took Zofran.  I was able to keep dinner down after that but still felt completely sick.

I am trying to make my medicine last until I go to the doctor one week from today.  I cannot explain how excited/anxious/nervous/relieved I will be to go to the doctor again.  We will either 1. hear the heartbeat on their doppler OR 2. see the baby/heartbeat on an ultrasound.

Very much looking forward to it.  And looking forward to this week being OVER!
Corey is still being completely the BEST husband ever.  Keeping up with everything, cooking, cleaning up.  I help when I can, like last Sunday I felt okay after taking some medicine so I helped straighten and clean before company came over.

10 weeks means we are 1/4 way through.  Hard to believe!  The baby is now the size of a prune. Just over an inch head to rump, and all the vital organs are present!  Here is the summary from babycenter.com:

He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy.
If you could take a peek inside your womb you'd spot minute details, like tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair beginning to grow on tender skin.
In other developments: Your baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Your baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body. From crown to rump, he's about 1 1/4 inches long. In the coming weeks, your baby will again double in size— to nearly 3 inches.

No.

That would be a negative on the previous post titled: "Better?"

It's back. And with a vengeance. ha ha.
Warning: TMI ahead!!!!!











I've officially found the MOST disgusting thing that a person can throw up:  salad.

Better?

I have felt a LOT better the past two days.  I didn't even need to take any medicine yesterday, and was able to have a fun evening out with the family on top of it!
Of course, this has me worried to death!  But, I am going to try and enjoy it, and be productive because either way sitting around worrying won't help anyone around here!
Maybe the sickness has run its course.  That would be great and welcome! Just in time for fall, holidays, and yummy food!
I am very much looking forward to going into the doctor on the 20th.  I really feel that after seeing confirmation again I will be able to relax...a LOT!

Bragging Rights

I have to brag on my awesome husband right now.
He got up this morning and put a roast in the slow cooker, after getting the kitchen tidied up.
He has been cooking dinner every night and taking care of the kitchen chores.  Also, he's been doing laundry, folding, putting away, and cleaning the bathrooms on the weekends.
It is such a relief to have all the basics taken care of these days! I am so appreciative and I don't know how I am going to survive when he has to go out of town for work next time.  He has said he would get some food ready for us before he goes.
Anyway..... I just love my husband. He's a great guy and I am so very thankful that he doesn't mind taking care of things while I am feeling so horribly.

Sick Sick Sick

I haven't been as bad as my first pregnancy.  But, it's definitely getting worse as the weeks go by.  I will be 9 weeks tomorrow! 
I finally got some medication (Zofran) on Friday.  But they only gave me 12 pills, so I am trying my best to use them sparingly though I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to do that.
I used two on Saturday so we could enjoy a day out together as a family.
Then yesterday, I felt great most of the day.  I didn't even take one all morning before church and felt great, went out to lunch, but it started getting worse in the afternoon and by last night I was feeling really awful again.
This morning, breakfast was um.... not successful I guess is a nice way of putting it.
I have Bible study tonight so I will take another pill this evening so that I can make it through that without running out. ha ha.
Ah, the joy of morning/all day/night sickness!

Uuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

I am so miserably sick!  I am still not constantly puking, but still feel just as bad.  I never knew I could feel this close and near to puking and not actually do it!

I think the reason I haven't is because I have had some nausea medication from a friend that I have taken just in time each time I feel it is about to start.  But I only have one of those left.  I will need to take it today so I can stomach driving the kids to Woodstock and back for their classes.  Then.... who knows?

Settling In

I am having a difficult time settling in to the whole "being pregnant" thing.  I think I truly still can't believe it is happening!

I wanted to post a little bit about my impressions of the doctor's office I ended up choosing.  I actually chose one that I had not talked on the phone to or gotten references for. ha ha!
There are no midwives in the Calhoun area.  The nearest midwives are in Dalton.  And since I am determined to give birth at Gordon Hospital, I was limited on what I could do as far as doctor's go.  The deciding factor came with considering what was more important to me...the hospital or the doctor.  I decided that the hospital is more important to me.  I plan on being in control of what is going on and really the doctors don't do that much for you anyway in the big scheme of a birth.  It is mostly the nurses and facilities that become the biggest memory you love or hate.
Gordon Hospital is a faith centered facility.  They have Bible verses posted on their walls, are very supportive of prayer, and it just has a great feel when you walk in.  (I visited the other day).  Also, I looked at their nursery pages and they have maybe 15 babies born per month there.  Although that might make for bored nurses needing to be in your  business, I choose to believe it will be outweighed by the benefit of having not overworked nurses.
The choices  for OBs in Cahoun were two places.  A place that is a single female dr. practice, and a place with three doctors and a nurse practitioner, three out of four being female.  As much as having one single doctor see me the entire time sounds good, I did read one thing online about someone saying that she likes to schedule her patients on days that are convenient for her.  Which...obviously...would be an issue if you were the only doctor in an ob office. So....

I went with Calhoun Ob/Gyn Associates. The first time I called I was on hold for a bit and noticed that they play Christian music over their speakers.  The lady who made my appointment was very nice and when I called the VERY NEXT DAY to try and come in early because I was having bad symptoms, they saw me the same day!

I saw Dr.Joni Yamamoto.  She was very nice.  They were efficient.  I had a complete exam (they snuck that in because I hadn't had one in over a year! ha ha!) and an ultrasound and bloodwork.  I was leaving exactly an hour after my appointment time! I think that was pretty good!

Another plus about this office is that Dr. Yamamoto is also a general health physician so she can take care of anything else that goes on (colds, other issues) while I am there as well.

OH, and the office is GORGEOUS!  It feels like you are in a designer home rather than a doctor's office.  There are pictures on the website, but they still don't do it justice. The virtual tour shows a little more of the lobby area...just plain gorgeous!

I am happy with the office so far.  But anyone who knows me knows that I am subject to change my mind on that at any time! ha ha!

Completely Shocked!

I am completely and totally 100% shocked right now!  We went to the dr. today prepared for bad news again.  I had resigned myself to another miscarriage.  Even took down all the banners from my blog and unjoined all my babycenter groups.  And I got SURPRISED!

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!

I am measuring at 7 weeks, 1 day.

The symptoms I am having are the "normal" kind.  Something I never had experienced of late.

I am completely grateful, completely blessed, and completed in awe of how our completely amazing God answers prayer.

Due Date: May 10th

Well....I guess making an appointment with the doctor messed me up.

It started last night.  I don't even know what to think.  But I know this has to be best.  When I told Katie the news, I stressed that we didn't know for sure and that God's plan is always best.  And I have to still believe that.

I will go on to the doctor because I will need a Rho-Gam shot.

I may try to go sooner though.

Doctor Appointment

I got the information I needed today to make my doctor's appointment.  

I am going October 4th, at 1:15pm.

It has made me a little nervous to actually have an appointment.  They've never gone well before.  But I think this one will.

Telling the Kids

I told the kids Thursday.  I had gotten really sick the night before, and was near death's door (ha ha, a slight exaggeration, but as close as I've felt recently anyway) on Thursday.  They were being less than helpful and starting to whine....a LOT.  Noah said he thought he was getting what I had.

So, I told them.  No, Noah, you AREN'T getting what Mommy's got.  You won't catch it from me.

I told them that I thought I was going to have a baby, and that's why I have been so sick.  But, we have to wait until we go to the doctor to know for sure, to make sure everything is good.  When someone is going to have a baby one of the things that sometimes happens is that the mom gets really sick at the beginning.

They have been complete and total angels ever since I told them.  Katie has been waiting on me hand and foot.  Frequently reminding me to be sure and go to the bathroom if I am going to throw up.  Noah has been crafting things for the baby...a toy mobile for the crib Katie made for the bedroom out of her My Twinn box.

They stopped fighting.  And now I can refuse to make microwave popcorn with a satisfying explanation (it makes Mommy think she's going to throw up) and I'm not just the mean Mommy who doesn't want to do anything. ha ha.

Katie was stressing about getting everything ready.  I told her it would be a long time if everything goes okay, it would be May.  I got on the babycenter website and showed them some pictures of the developing baby throughout and why it takes so long.  She was slightly fascinated and Noah just thought it was weird.

So there you go.  Of course, it made me have a slight panic attack about telling them, that I would be even more sad now if things don't work out...for their sake.

We told them about the pregnancy the first time, and they were pretty sad about the loss.  They even mentioned it when August came around.  Noah told me that he wished we could have had our baby.  And Katie mentioned.."I thought we were going to have a baby in August."

We didn't tell them about the second miscarriage.  It happened at a time that they were pretty busy with the church musical practices and we weren't having to do school each day.  Plus, Corey was coming home and that helped cover me with any sickness.  Corey has been out of town since last Sunday, and the sickness has hit me hard this week while he has been gone, so it was harder to do it all and cover the fact that I felt like dirt.

I expressed the need to be cautious, and that we would tell "everyone" after we check on the baby at the doctor.

I think it was a good decision.

Ole! Babay!

I had very "stereotypical" cravings when I was pregnant with Katie and Noah.  I wanted sugar ALL THE TIME with Katie.  I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...(it was my last meal right before I went to the hospital with her), Lucky Charms by the box...birthday cake...chocolate...anything.

With Noah, I wanted Mexican food.  Not "good" Mexican food....bean burritos from Taco Bell.

I threw up my bland baked potato this week, but have relished black beans with tortillas twice and just now had take out Mexican food from our local restaurant.  Feeling on the edge of puking right before eating it...it was like medicine for my tummy! ha ha!

Last night I also felt on the verge of sickness, but greatly enjoyed an Outback special steak, fries, and bloomin' onion.

So...I guess if someone MADE me guess a gender...I would have to guess boy. :)

ON!

Mark it down.  First REAL sickness this evening. After dinner.


Thankful that it was baked potato night. ;)

Off and On

It seems that the "like clockwork" afternoon evening sickness only lasted a couple of days.  Then, I had a day when it wasn't so bad.  Now...it's coming and going all hours.
According to the calculators I am 6 weeks, but I am pretty sure it's 7.  In the next 3-4 weeks the sickness should hit the all time high, so I am really hoping it doesn't get tremendously worse, and if it does, that is only stays for that allotted amount of time.  I would really love to enjoy some GOOD EATS come holiday time...with no hiding the pooch!

Sickness

Afternoon/Evening sickness has set in. It started Friday night. I felt awful all night.
Then, Saturday, I was okay during the day, even had less symptoms waking up, but then at about 4:00pm until 6:30pm I felt HORRIBLE. As in, I ran to the toilet thinking I was going to throw up but didn't. Then off and on really bad the rest of the evening.
Yesterday, around 3:30pm, it hit me hard. I was shaking, feeling extremely nauseated, didn't even feel like moving. I never threw up but wished that I could. At around 6:30pm it suddenly lifted and I felt fine for dinner. Well...I felt good for making waffles..a mild and easy dinner.
Today, I am preparing to not feel well at dinner time. I will be at Bible study, the first night, so I hope I can make it okay. Praying that this isn't the night that the puke actually makes an appearance. I cooked a meal for lunch in preparation for a very light dinner for the kids since we won't be home and I am pretty sure I won't feel like cooking anything anyway.
I would love to spend a Saturday making freezer meals for the upcoming weeks. Or, I could cook several nights meals for the week and put them in the fridge.
It's so weird because yesterday, and today, I woke up a little nauseated, but ate breakfast and then felt really great. I don't even feel pregnant at all. A little worry hit me like, "I hope everything is still okay!"
Then...the afternoon comes... like a ton of bricks...and yeah...now THAT'S what I remember "pregnant" feeling like ha ha. I won't complain though. No food has come back up yet, and I can still eat and get school work and housework done in the mornings.

I hope that the sickness means that everything is healthy with the baby!

Postings 9/11/10

I have been writing posts over the past week, but not publishing them until I knew that everyone who would read the blog and "needed to know" knew beforehand.

I dated them so you can read back and see what's been going on here in baby blog world. It is an exciting, yet nervous time for me.

It is completely unfair what having a miscarriage (or two) does for your confidence in a new pregnancy. I am constantly arguing against my hopeful thoughts with disclaimers of "we'll see" and I find myself really overreacting to very minor symptoms. Things that if a miscarriage had never happened would be totally FINE.

But, I am forever changed, and I can't help that. I just stay in prayer that I can be patient and trusting.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I may regret saying this later... but I THINK I wish that I would start throwing up. It's supposed to be a good sign. :)

Feeling Weird 9/11/10

September 11, 2010

I got up feeling different today. Some symptoms were completely gone, while others had appeared in its place.

I came the very closest to actually throwing up that I have so far.

Still trying to remain hopeful. I will be relieved when we can get our paperwork all sorted out and I can go to the doctor. It will be time by then to be able to see something. I truly hope we see something this time around!!!!

THANK YOU LORD! 9/8/10

September 8, 2010

The insurance situation is WORKED OUT above and beyond in our favor and I am thankful thankful THANKFUL!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!

Oh, wow. 9/7/10

September 7, 2010

I am feeling....very sick.

I have had feelings of nausea. When I would start getting hungry. Then it would go away.

Then it started to be indigestion after dinner.

Yesterday and today I have been feeling immediately worse after eating, and having bad indigestion regardless of the type of food.

And now.... tonight. It is even worse. I feel very near to throwing up.

On the plus side: This is encouraging me that this could be a healthy pregnancy.

On the downside: IT STINKS TO FEEL SICK! AGH! ha ha ha!

Thank you Lord, for this baby. Thank you Lord, for assurance of its health via sickness. Thank you Lord, for stuff that will hopefully make me feel better when and if I figure out what that is!

Hope 9/5/10

September 5th, 2010

Here we are with that word again. A got a message on facebook today from my neighbor, who is a Bradley instructor. She said that she was contacted by someone who is due in April, and combined with me she will be definitely starting a course of Bradley classes about the time that would be perfect for us to participate! Taking Bradley classes, and preparing for a natural childbirth is something I really wanted to do something this time around. I was hoping it would be convenient with her class schedule.

It looks like this might be working out well this time around. I am feeling great, other than the slight cramping, no other worrisome symptoms. I know it has only been a few days, but every single day that goes by with nothing bad happening, is amazing to me. It's crazy how the experiences I've had has completely and totally changed my outlook on pregnancy. I never worried about my pregnancy with Katie and Noah...not the ultrasounds, nothing.

I truly know where my strength comes from. Since I know the joy and pain from both possible outcomes, I know I will survive and be okay regardless. But I can't help becoming more, and more, and more hopeful every day.

I keep having bad dreams when I sleep. I dream that I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and start miscarrying. I dream that I am at the doctor getting bad test results. They aren't waking me up or anything, but it is GREAT to wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream.

Another symptom that I guess must be pregnancy related: I have been an early bird the past few mornings. Waking up at 6am, not able to go back to sleep. I gave up this morning, and when I woke up just went ahead and got up. I guess I should just be up and productive rather than lying in the bed being miserable at trying to go back to sleep.

That's my daily update. I guess I will check in again after a few days.

Positive 9/4/10

September 4th, 2010

I don't know when I will post this, but I do want to go ahead and get my thoughts out there.

September 1, I got a positive on a home pregnancy test. The reason I took the test was because I was cramping and wanted to take my fav. pain reliever: Aleve! Well, you can't take Aleve when you are pregnant, so I wanted to go ahead and take a test so I could take some medicine.

Lo and behold..it was positive. A very faint positive.

The next morning I took another one. Again: positive.

We canceled my insurance with Kaiser to be effective this month. Wouldn't you know?

I knew Corey would be extremely stressed out because of it, so I didn't tell him right away. He had also had a stressful few days at work as well.

I was feeling.....weird. Not stressed. Not sick. Just extremely tired, crampy, and weird because I was feeling weird. I can't explain it.

The due date would be May 11th, Corey's birthday.

I finally told him yesterday. On the phone while he was at work. He was stressed at first, like I figured he would be, but after talking a while we both seemed a little better off. I cried while I was talking to him, I think because I had not let myself really react yet.

My immediate feelings were, "Well, we'll see."

I know God has seen me to this point, and through this point, and He will continue to see me through. I am hopeful.

I feel fine, just tired. The cramps come and go, but there have been no symptoms like I had before when I was at this point. Other than that though, I actually have less pregnancy symptoms than I had the other times. I am getting some indigestion easily. But really the main symptom is complete exhaustion...wanting to sleep 2-3 times during the day.

We told our mothers, and a few close friends. We will wait a while to tell anyone else.

Friday night I took another test. This time I stopped at Walmart and picked up one of the digital "yes or no" tests. I had never used one of them. I was always squinting and comparing and looking for the second pink line.

It takes a little longer for the digital answer to show,but when it did, my heart skipped a beat. There is nothing like a clear "Yes+" showing up to give you a real boost of happiness/hope/trepidation/fear/excitement.

I don't plan on going to the doctor at least until I've made it through next month. I have also contacted Gordon Hospital to see if they offer discounts to prepay cash patient. Pray for us on that aspect. From what I've read, it can actually cost about the same to be a cash patient or an insurance patient, barring no complications.

So many things to consider. Right now, I am trying to not make too many plans, but it is hard. I am still in disbelief, but trying to hope and believe.

Then Sings My Soul

This week would have been the due date for our first miscarried baby. August 18, 2010. This is my song for the week. Though I faced unspeakable loss and sadness, He came to my rescue and brought me to where He was. It was worth it all and always will be.

My Thirties

I think in the back of my mind, or way down in the bottom of my heart really...I've been holding onto the fact that we would have another baby before I turned 30.

And... that would have had to happen this past month....July.

And.... it didn't.

So today has been a difficult day for me. I had been so happy the past weeks. So healthy... feeling great. I couldn't even make myself be sad about the babies that never were meant to be. And I told myself I was "over it."

Yet, I live to learn another lesson. I didn't want to think I was still holding on to that "30" mark. I guess I was, and it seems God still has more for me to learn.

In about a week and a half we are going on a family trip to Chicago. I gave Corey tickets to the Braves (our local team) vs. the Cubs for his 30th birthday. It was going to be a trip for just the two of us, during the week our first miscarried baby was due. We decided a while back to take the kids too and Corey would take Noah to the game instead (a wise choice! :), and I am truly looking forward to it.

I have tried to look on the positive side of things today. I did pray...in EARNEST...that God would not allow me to get pregnant again if it wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy... that He would please spare me the roller coaster and physical toll. I am very grateful for that. I truly and really and honestly and am thankful for that.

And, He has strengthened my own faith in the fact that we gave it 100% and totally to Him... and He is faithful.

And so time goes on. April 28th, 2011, my 30th birthday...will pass with no baby in my arms. But I'll survive. If I know anything from all this..I DO know that!

Moving On

It seems that everything is pretty much over with this miscarriage, physically. I have to say that I already feel better emotionally than I have in a very long time. I think it is because I feel that I have so much closure now...so much complete trust and faith.

I have learned, even more than before, that we should not try and be in control of planning things for ourselves. Maybe we all have things mixed up...where we try and plan the "big" moments of our lives, like marriage, babies, jobs, moves...when really those most important things are the very things we should not try to be in control of at all.

I don't mean that you should just leave your life to chance or not put any thought into them. But the control and planning over them... the people who have every "big" thing in their life planned...

God doesn't give us control over those things. He gives us power over the little things... what clothes to wear, what movie to see. Perhaps where to go on vacation, or what book to read next. But the big things... babies... those things, as much as we like to think we are in control... we really aren't. And as much as we think we have complete power to control the big decisions...I've come to realize that the best place for those decisions is in a place completely and totally out of my reach and influence. I don't want control over where I am going to live, or where I am going to work or when and if I will have more children. I am leaving all of those things completely up to God. His has a way of letting his will be known, if we just let it.

This isn't to say that I won't be actively participating or seeking His plan. But it does mean that whatever happens I will give thanks that I know it is His will if I am willing and praying for that in our lives. And we are.

I believe that God gives us wisdom to make choices. But, I have come to trust that I don't always know what the right choice is going to be until the moment comes. A goal of mine is to not worry about tomorrow...or next month, or next year. I will take each minute, hour, and day as it comes, trusting that wisdom will be given when I need it. Along with grace, I believe God gives wisdom freely and perfectly, to complete His plan for us.

It is our human nature to try and plan everything. But not everything matters. Only the big things. So don't "sweat the small stuff" because if its important enough, He won't let us sweat it out too long anyway. :)

Another Long Day

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

For we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death so that we would rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He who rescued us from so deadly a peril will continue to rescue us; on him we have set our hope that he will rescue us again. (2 Corinthians 1:8b-10a)

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)


It's been a very long day. Like the first hard time of 4 hours, but this time pretty much all day. Not as much pain until the past few hours, but I will just say that is has been a very....... hard.... day.

This is definitely turning out to be worse than I thought it would be. Definitely a lot worse than last time. I guess because I was further along and supposedly in a different type of pregnancy.

I am so tired and weak right now. I took extra iron this morning when it got worse but I don't seem to feeling the effects, though I may have felt the lack of affect if I had not taken it, so maybe it is helping and I just don't know it.

I feel bad complaining on here, but I meant this to be a log of my experiences, and I want to include all the stages, good and bad. I also know that this experience is can't compare with what many people have suffered and faced in their lives. My life has been so protected and blessed. But, in my life, this is what I am going through. And as a friend once told me... your broken foot doesn't make my paper cut hurt any less. A lightening of the mood there. :) I know God considers all of our needs and understands how they affect us individually. And He desires to meet them all equally.

I am still trusting and praying. I know this won't last forever. In retrospect it will seem such a tiny blip of time. But right now the day is really long.

A Perfect Day

Deuteronomy 32:4
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Unlikely title for a post right now, huh? Well, yesterday, God's way was known in my life. Before I even got out of bed I had an email with a link to a post, a post that really spoke to me and our situation. My heart was so heavy and sad.

Then, I called my neighbor whom I hadn't spoken to in a few days. She is so wise and comforting. She is more wise than anyone "our" age has a right to be! ha ha. But, her talk encouraged me to just blindly trust in our situation. To embrace the fact that God is drawing me nearer to Him and is building a testimony. To not give up the words I have been given and the desires of my heart. To just tell God how I'm feeling because He already knows.

Sometimes the things we know are overwhelmed by the feelings and emotions of the moment.

I spent some time in prayer and crying. Then I got an encouraging comment from the writer of that post I had been given. Her words were comforting as well. I felt so at peace with our situation and the future. Comfortable and at peace with letting go of trying to figure everything out and know His plan.

Then, in the early afternoon, we got a definite answer. I spent four hours of the late afternoon/evening in deep physical pain, cramping, all that comes along with having a miscarriage.

One of my prayers was that if this wasn't going to happen for us this time, that it happen naturally at home. And God answered that prayer for me. Not only did He answer that prayer, but He orchestrated an entire morning devoted to the restoration of my soul and mind, so that when the time came I was as ready as I could be for something like that to happen.

It still made me cry. It still hurt and by no means was it a pleasant experience. It still isn't even completely over. But I believe the worst is behind me.

Had I entered that physical stage of this tragedy in the state of mind I was in when I woke up, then my evening would have been a much worse time, I know that.

I am trusting and believing. I don't know the future, but I really don't have to. And that is a freeing thought. I don't have to plan it all the time. I don't have to know what His plan is or ask for it to be revealed. Because I know eventually, it will.

Whatever happens, even a miscarriage....can happen in a good way. I had a perfect day today. Not perfectly happy, but perfect. A "right" day. Because it happened the way He ordained even before I was ever born. I trust that it was perfect. Because He is the Rock and His ways are perfect.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Nothing

Nothing. Too much. Not enough.

That's how I feel right now. There is just too much going on in my mind.....

I have no idea how we got from that point, to this one. The point where we were so sure of our decision..... that it was the right one, the prayed over and given answer...to now, where nothing makes sense and my heart is completely and totally broken.

I don't understand what is going on with my body and I don't understand how this has happened twice in 7 months now.

Today, I was unfortunately given a sure sign that this is over again.

And I just don't understand.

I am increasingly grateful for the children we have. I know that is more than a lot of people who go through these kinds of experiences can say. I am so very grateful for their smiles and hugs, and for just them. But I am sad at the same time...regretful that I didn't realize at the time what a precious and amazing miracle I was experiencing through their pregnancies and births. Not that I didn't realize it in many and some ways, but I just feel like I didn't realize it enough.

I don't want to feel this way. If this is an answer for us in some way that our family is complete, then I want, and I need for the desire to be taken away. I know it can happen, and that is my prayer. My prayer is for peace and for healing, and for health and happiness, and for the desire for more children to be taken away and for me to feel peaceful, if that is what this means for us.

Metal Mouth

I woke up in the middle of the night with a new great pregnancy symptom: metal mouth!

YUCK!

I don't remember having this happen ever before. I got up and realized I had forgotten to bring a cup of water by the bed, so I went in the kitchen and got a fresh cup of ice cold water.

Took a big sip, and.....BLECH! It tasted AWFUL! I can't explain it exactly, but it was almost like a sweet metal which I know doesn't make any kind of sense, but that's the best I can do. It's been like that all day today as well.

All I can say is, I have definitely put in some time with annoying pregnancy symptoms. I hope hope hope that we get good news next week, though I am prepared for the worst.... I truly pray that all these crazy symptoms aren't for nothing!

2 weeks

I called the doctor this morning to cancel my appointment.

It didn't seem like 3 days was long enough for changes...and driving 100 miles round trip and giving them $50 seemed like a waste this soon.

They consulted and called me back saying that waiting two more weeks would be fine. Unless, of course, I start having some kind of major pains or symptoms in the meantime.

I am really not looking forward to feeling nauseous for two more weeks for no reason, if this all ends badly as we think it might.

But, I am willing to wait. For that chance it might be okay. Two weeks should be enough time for my body to do what it needs to do one way or the other.

Reprieve

Forever grateful for a word from God for my soul.

The message today had a special part in it just for my grieving soul. We aren't all "up" all the time. God's people have the job of lifting each other up. I have a constant support system... people who are praying for me and holding on to faith when I can't hold on to it for myself.

I don't have to feel like I let God down with my attitude over the past couple of days. I can repent and move on and get back on board with my faith and optimism. Two days of disbelief and sadness didn't ruin my life or change God's plan for my life... we are back on and I am feeling better! :)

In a Mood

Yesterday morning, Corey took the kids to my mom's office to hang out for a bit during the day. We needed someone to watch the kids while I went to my appointment and we had also made plans for them to spend the night with my parents because we thought I would be getting medication today and would be sick over the weekend.

I was alone all during the day yesterday with the exception of my time with the person doing the ultrasound. I didn't even take anything to "do" in the waiting room. And I spent 20 minutes alone in the dark quiet ultrasound room while the technician reviewed the images. And it honestly it didn't bother me at all.

The kids still went on to my parents' house to spend the night because they were already very excited about it, and Corey went to hang out with some of the guys from church, so I spent the evening alone. I watched Steel Magnolias (which I'd never seen before) and various stuff on tv. I was content to be alone with my thoughts and just zone out.

Honestly, I told Corey this morning, that I would be content to just sit and stare at a wall indefinitely. My thoughts have just been gone. He asked what I wanted to do this morning and I really and truly didn't care. I realistically would have sat on the couch and stared at the walls all day. Just thinking. And feeling.

I am having so many feelings. Sadness, self-pity, hope, frustration, anger, all mixed together with the physical things like nausea and exhaustion from not sleeping well.

He told me to get dressed and let's go. He said we needed to go to Home Depot to pick up some things so I got dressed, didn't even fix my hair or makeup, and just left.

I am trying very hard to maintain the qualities that I know I should right now... like anticipation, hopefulness, faithfulness, optimism, etc. I know that feeling those things would make the day more pleasant for myself and others who have to be around me. But I guess after zoning out and not having the kids here to bring me around to life throughout the day, it was easy to just....... be. To fall into a slump.

When Corey made me get up and get dressed, just stepping outside woke me up a little. It was hot.

An encouraging call from my dear friend pepped me up slightly as well. Someone who has been here and who can acknowledge my right to feel these things but give me hope that it won't last forever. This too shall pass.

I feel like a failure to God for having so much "give-up-ness" in me right now. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated and angry. I know that giving it to Him is really my only choice because his plan is best. I know that in my head. But my heart and my emotions, my hormones and mood....just took over. Although it has only been a few weeks since we started with this round of the "miscarriage see-saw" it is almost like it has just tagged on with the other experience in December...it's almost like I can't remember those months in between...it's become such a cloud and flashback.

Our day out really helped me a lot. We walked around Home Depot. Had a late lunch at IHOP. Visited a thrift store and an office supply store. Then we went to pick up the kids.

I told my friend that I just wanted to be alone today. We were supposed to visit them today for a birthday party but I just wasn't in a party frame of mind. I guess my inner child needed a day to pout and be moody about all of this.

I told her that being with Corey was almost as good as being alone, ha ha. But he knew I didn't mean that in a bad way. I didn't even want to go get the kids early. I just wanted to be alone. What I meant by being with Corey was the same as being alone was that it is a comfort level thing. I am so thankful that I have a husband that is like being alone to be around. I can totally be myself....I don't feel compelled to talk if I don't want to, I can vent and share my feelings which he can share too in this situation. It was just a day of being. The good part is that he made me laugh so many times throughout the day. And it was nice. Better than being alone because I get the benefits of what I listed in addition to not having to drive myself around, ha ha.

Then we went to pick up the kids finally, who were already being fed dinner (thankfully) and the combination of a day "alone" with the evening with them here has been enough I think to get me on with things and out of my mood for a while.

I hope we get answers soon. I am trying so very hard to be hopeful for a miracle. I will be okay eventually, no matter what happens, but I am giving it all back tonight. There's nothing I can accomplish by hanging on to it anyway.

Roller Coasters

I don't ride roller coasters. But I have definitely been on one the past few weeks.

Today, the ultrasound was inconclusive. The doctor said we shouldn't do anything as far as medication goes right now. The gestational sac actually grew over the past two weeks, though nothing can be seen inside it yet. That combined with the fact that I am not bleeding, my numbers went up (though very slowly), and I have so many symptoms...makes her reluctant to do anything permanent.

And actually, I agree. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at this point either.

But I am ready to be off this roller coaster!!!!!!!

I go back to the doctor Monday.

I really don't want to be hopeful for no reason, and I think I am still prepared for the worst....

But I keep thinking about my verse.... the evidence of things not seen...the evidence of things not seen.

I was slightly relieved that the decision was taken out of my hands today. We'd already made plans for the kids to be away and for Corey to be home with me...but then we thought we knew the outcome of today. But it turns out we didn't.

Oh well...I guess this is to be continued on Monday.

Our Answer

We got our answer today. No baby in January for us.

There was no growth from two weeks ago to today. Just an empty sac where the baby should have grown. I had bloodwork done which showed an increase in Hcg from 2224 to 6964. Very slow rate of rising over a period of two complete weeks.

They do need to do another official ultrasound before giving me medication which is what we have decided would be best. If the ultrasound confirms no growth, then I can do the medication over the weekend and hopefully be on the road to feeling better before too much longer. I just don't want to keep having these pregnancy symptoms when it is a failed pregnancy. It's too much.

I think we were definitely prepared for this news today. I had complete peace and now that we have our answer I am at peace with doing what we need to do next.

The Night Before

Well...all the waiting has gotten me to this point: the night before.

Tomorrow we should know definitely whether or not to plan for a baby's arrival in January.

I still feel completely at peace, though I am sure my blood pressure and heart rate will tell a different story before my appointment, ha ha.

My appointment is at 12:40. Of course..it wouldn't be first thing in the morning.

I have planned my first nine weeks of homeschool out on paper...I have written out the kids spelling words on index cards (every set for both of them for the entire year!) which is a ton by the way. I have done just about everything I can do at home..the laundry is caught up, the dishes are clean, I have blogged, I have prayed, I have enlisted the prayers of a few friends.

I have sent out e-vites for Noah's family birthday party, worked out some of our summer schedule with traveling (hopefully).....

All I can do now is the same thing I have been doing for the past two weeks......wait.

And pray, and meditate on the answer God gave me last weekend...

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen;
it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

No matter what happens tomorrow...I know that God's plan will prevail. And I have to rest in the peace that He knows best. His way is best. If that includes a baby for us in January then I will joyfully and willingly accept that it is meant to happen in His timing. And if it does not, then I will willingly and trustingly accept that it is meant to happen in His timing.

Nov. 2009

I was thinking about "waiting" and all of a sudden I remembered doing a post on my regular blog about a point made in the Beth Moore Esther study last fall..... after reading it I knew for sure that God was preparing my heart for the coming year.....

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Waiting...

Last night's Esther session was....GREAT as always. I love learning about the origin of words used in the Bible. Here is my favorite point from last night concerning this verse:

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

In the original language used, the word "longs" in the first line and the word "wait" in the last line are the SAME!

In explanation: "It isn't a wait without the longing." In all instances of waiting...there is inherently a longing. There is something you are waiting for. Waiting for your turn...you are obviously longing for it to be your turn. Waiting for Christmas...you are obviously longing for Christmas.

Then, to think about it with this verse in mind...God is longing for what you are longing to receive. Blessed are YOU who WAIT for HIM! His longing is also the waiting...waiting for the right time. LONGING for that time to be here so He can answer and give you what you LONG and WAIT for....

Such rich words! I am sad that we only have two more sessions! I learn so much every single week!

And more waiting.....

I called the doctor today and they do want me to come in for an ultrasound in the office next week, but they can't see me until Thursday..... unless my symptoms change. I guess its more waiting and seeing for us!

I am still feeling very sick in the mornings. And anytime my stomach gets completely empty. No more issues with spotting though...I'm still feeling very sure that everything is going to be fine.

Faith

Hebrews 11:1

"Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see. NIV"

On Friday, when I was dealing with the emotions of having numbers that went up only 441, and what that might mean, I was praying. I was asking for wisdom and guidance. This verse kept coming to mind...over and over and over. It's all I could think of. I wanted to believe it was given as the answer to my prayer..... The thought even crossed my mind that maybe it would be brought up Sunday if it was truly the answer.....

And...Sunday morning..I wasn't working with the kids and was in for the sermon...

THIS WAS the scripture! Even though it had been read only a short while back for a different sermon it was used again. The message with it wasn't exactly for my particular situation, but when the message was read tears filled my eyes. I still didn't know how the verse would apply, because there are so many examples that follow, with both living examples and some who didn't live to see their promises fulfilled in their lifetimes on earth.

Today, I received a card in the mail from my mother in law....

The verse written on the front?

Hebrews 11:1.

I think God has given me an answer... but what that faith will end up showing me.... only God knows. It is with great hope and faith that I cling to this gut feeling I have in my soul...... that everything will be okay. I know that will happen one way or the other, but I have felt from the beginning that this is a real pregnancy, one that will give us a healthy baby in our arms. I am stepping out on faith to say that "out loud" on here...it is a very bold move unlike me... but.... God has clearly told me to cling to my faith...that faith being:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. KJV

^1-2The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. The Message

NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. The Amplified Bible

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. New Living Translation

Waiting.......

I have had peace all week. No matter what happens, my life will be fine and we will be fine. I have stayed very busy planning our next school year.

I haven't been thinking of myself as "pregnant" or "not pregnant" as I didn't really have a strong feeling either way.

I actually think I am slowly accepting the fact that this might not all end with a baby.

And then today....I woke up sick. Not puking, but that place where you feel like you would RATHER be puking though after you puke you take that thought back? lol.

It has stuck with me most of the day.... going away for a little while after eating, then hitting again.

And today, that makes the waiting hard. Because I could be so much happier about how terrible I feel if I knew I was nourishing a healthy baby. I don't want to be sick for no reason. :(

I was so tempted to call the doctor and try to get in, because I know if I call they will see me... but I don't know what to do. Tomorrow we have planned an end of school party with our friends that will keep us tied up.... so since I've made it through today I guess I can make it through tomorrow... then we'll see how I am feeling. I have a hunch that if I DO start puking, I will be calling them to see what's up. If it gets to that point I will just want to know the probable outcome of the sickness. I just think it would make it much easier to bear.

Hope

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

My hcg only increased by 441. Nowhere near doubling. Various things online say that at 1000-2000 it could take 72-96 hours to double, but I know the general rule is 48 hours. The doctor did not call tonight.... so I'm not sure what that means. Either they aren't worried or my case got temporarily lost because my original doctor was going on vacation. I trying to stay hopeful, but I can't help but give up in a way. I also started cramping and spotting a little bit more this afternoon. I got up feeling energized this morning and did a lot of cleaning... and then spent the rest of the day completely stressed out...so maybe that's what is behind that.

I am not giving up completely. I never got my hcg levels checked at all before...and just went in at 8 weeks or so for my check up. We never even saw Katie on an ultrasound till the normal 20 week check.

I guess if I don't hear from the doctor and don't have any more worrisome symptoms I'll just wait..... and hope.

Here we go again.....

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

Exactly one week ago I was riding around Apalachicola, Florida, looking for a store that was open that would sell pregnancy tests. No luck. So the next morning, Corey and I got the kids ready for the beach then drove out a different direction and found a place. We purchased 3 $1 "baby tests" and the first one I took immediately showed up "positive."

We were excited. And I was nervous. I had been spotting off and on all week thinking I wasn't pregnant. Now it was even more disturbing.

I called the weekend scheduling clerk and she said to get an appointment before ten weeks I would have to call and speak to a nurse. I called the next morning and because of my history they said I could come on in today (Wednesday) to check everything out.

I wavered between worry and optimism until this morning. After having no symptoms yesterday I was really feeling good about my visit today.

We went into the doctor's office and she did an ultrasound.... she said that she saw a sac, yolk, and fetal pole but no heartbeat but it was early. She said that there was a slight flutter but she wanted to send me to get a detailed ultrasound on a better machine. Down to x-ray and a very long wait....

After the ultrasound, the results were sent up to the doctor and we went up to talk to her again. What she thought was the yolk and pole was actually just a blood clot, and it looked like there was just an empty sac, like before. No heartbeat.

We were sitting receiving the same news we got in December. We were devastated.

Our doctor is amazing! She sat and talked with us...offering encouragement that we did everything right... and she was so sorry.... and that we would get blood work just to confirm what was going on, that everything wasn't set in stone yet. She even gave me a hug before I left.

So, I headed downstairs to give more blood....just confused, and hurt, and sad...and everything. High numbers (5000s or so) would be bad because at that high we should see a lot more. Very low numbers could be okay but probably not...last time my levels were around 48 to the highest at 120 over the course of more than a week. I have been feeling very nauseous...and really not very much bleeding or hurting.

We went over to the mall across the street to get something to eat (finally at 2:30pm). When we got off at our exit, we were sitting in the bank drive through when I got the email on my phone telling me that I had new test results.

This was just dejavu from December. We must have checked test results on the phone about 10 times then!

So, I logged in and got the results. My hcg levels were 1783. WAY more than they ever were last time. Consistent with anywhere from a 2-6 week pregnancy. And consistent with what was seen on the ultrasound.

I go back on Friday to see what happens. I have absolutely no idea or inkling of gut instinct at all about what might happen. If they double or more by Friday afternoon it could be a good sign that it could still grow and I was just way less far along than I thought. Dropping or inching up slowly would confirm what we think is probably happening....another miscarriage.

I am so so so ....... unsure. I don't want to get false hope..... but I don't want to give up hope either. I want to have faith, but I don't want to be devastated again after getting too hopeful.

We haven't told many people the news this time. Just a few close friends and our parents. The kids haven't been told yet either. I don't want Katie to worry. We'll just pray and see what happens.

Pray for us.

Psalm 38:15

I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.