It didn't take too much thinking to see a pattern here with my "breakdowns." It is most definitely related to a "cycle."
Maybe other than having extra hormonal issues during this cycle, it is kind of like a post traumatic stress thing where being in the same situation in a way makes me think about it more often.
Whatever it is, it is not fun.
I am just so sad.... I am sad because our church is having Buttons N Bows, their twice a year consignment sale... and we had talked about buying up a bunch of gender neutral baby supplies at the spring/summer sale since the clothes would be suitable for August. Yeah, we only knew we were expecting for a very short while, but you would be surprised at how many little things you can talk about in a week's time. Plans for moving school upstairs in anticipation of the first trimester sickness. Plans for a beach vacation that would fall right at the perfect time after the morning sickness time had ended. Plans for buying up tons of baby supplies at the spring consignment sale.
I am truly not trying to "dwell" on it...which is what I would probably think if I were reading this and had not experienced this myself. It is easy to think that someone just isn't "moving on" or is thinking about it too much to makes themselves sad. But that just isn't the truth.
The truth is: it hurts. The truth is: I am sad. The truth is: I don't think this is something you "get over." It is something that has changed our lives forever and just like having a baby changes you, losing a baby changes you too. No matter how short a time they lived in your heart, the fact is.....they did live.
The funny thing is...no one asks me about it anymore. And I know that's the way it goes when something happens like this..that the immediate time period passes and life gets back to normal....that people forget about it or they see that you are back to "normal" so you must be fine. But I know now that isn't true. If someone asked me how I am dealing with things and how I "am" I would have to say....Actually....I am not great. Not as far as this goes. It will take time. I think it will end up being more time than I would have thought.