Nov. 2009

I was thinking about "waiting" and all of a sudden I remembered doing a post on my regular blog about a point made in the Beth Moore Esther study last fall..... after reading it I knew for sure that God was preparing my heart for the coming year.....

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Waiting...

Last night's Esther session was....GREAT as always. I love learning about the origin of words used in the Bible. Here is my favorite point from last night concerning this verse:

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

In the original language used, the word "longs" in the first line and the word "wait" in the last line are the SAME!

In explanation: "It isn't a wait without the longing." In all instances of waiting...there is inherently a longing. There is something you are waiting for. Waiting for your turn...you are obviously longing for it to be your turn. Waiting for Christmas...you are obviously longing for Christmas.

Then, to think about it with this verse in mind...God is longing for what you are longing to receive. Blessed are YOU who WAIT for HIM! His longing is also the waiting...waiting for the right time. LONGING for that time to be here so He can answer and give you what you LONG and WAIT for....

Such rich words! I am sad that we only have two more sessions! I learn so much every single week!

And more waiting.....

I called the doctor today and they do want me to come in for an ultrasound in the office next week, but they can't see me until Thursday..... unless my symptoms change. I guess its more waiting and seeing for us!

I am still feeling very sick in the mornings. And anytime my stomach gets completely empty. No more issues with spotting though...I'm still feeling very sure that everything is going to be fine.

Faith

Hebrews 11:1

"Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see. NIV"

On Friday, when I was dealing with the emotions of having numbers that went up only 441, and what that might mean, I was praying. I was asking for wisdom and guidance. This verse kept coming to mind...over and over and over. It's all I could think of. I wanted to believe it was given as the answer to my prayer..... The thought even crossed my mind that maybe it would be brought up Sunday if it was truly the answer.....

And...Sunday morning..I wasn't working with the kids and was in for the sermon...

THIS WAS the scripture! Even though it had been read only a short while back for a different sermon it was used again. The message with it wasn't exactly for my particular situation, but when the message was read tears filled my eyes. I still didn't know how the verse would apply, because there are so many examples that follow, with both living examples and some who didn't live to see their promises fulfilled in their lifetimes on earth.

Today, I received a card in the mail from my mother in law....

The verse written on the front?

Hebrews 11:1.

I think God has given me an answer... but what that faith will end up showing me.... only God knows. It is with great hope and faith that I cling to this gut feeling I have in my soul...... that everything will be okay. I know that will happen one way or the other, but I have felt from the beginning that this is a real pregnancy, one that will give us a healthy baby in our arms. I am stepping out on faith to say that "out loud" on here...it is a very bold move unlike me... but.... God has clearly told me to cling to my faith...that faith being:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. KJV

^1-2The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. The Message

NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. The Amplified Bible

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. New Living Translation

Waiting.......

I have had peace all week. No matter what happens, my life will be fine and we will be fine. I have stayed very busy planning our next school year.

I haven't been thinking of myself as "pregnant" or "not pregnant" as I didn't really have a strong feeling either way.

I actually think I am slowly accepting the fact that this might not all end with a baby.

And then today....I woke up sick. Not puking, but that place where you feel like you would RATHER be puking though after you puke you take that thought back? lol.

It has stuck with me most of the day.... going away for a little while after eating, then hitting again.

And today, that makes the waiting hard. Because I could be so much happier about how terrible I feel if I knew I was nourishing a healthy baby. I don't want to be sick for no reason. :(

I was so tempted to call the doctor and try to get in, because I know if I call they will see me... but I don't know what to do. Tomorrow we have planned an end of school party with our friends that will keep us tied up.... so since I've made it through today I guess I can make it through tomorrow... then we'll see how I am feeling. I have a hunch that if I DO start puking, I will be calling them to see what's up. If it gets to that point I will just want to know the probable outcome of the sickness. I just think it would make it much easier to bear.

Hope

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

My hcg only increased by 441. Nowhere near doubling. Various things online say that at 1000-2000 it could take 72-96 hours to double, but I know the general rule is 48 hours. The doctor did not call tonight.... so I'm not sure what that means. Either they aren't worried or my case got temporarily lost because my original doctor was going on vacation. I trying to stay hopeful, but I can't help but give up in a way. I also started cramping and spotting a little bit more this afternoon. I got up feeling energized this morning and did a lot of cleaning... and then spent the rest of the day completely stressed out...so maybe that's what is behind that.

I am not giving up completely. I never got my hcg levels checked at all before...and just went in at 8 weeks or so for my check up. We never even saw Katie on an ultrasound till the normal 20 week check.

I guess if I don't hear from the doctor and don't have any more worrisome symptoms I'll just wait..... and hope.

Here we go again.....

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

Exactly one week ago I was riding around Apalachicola, Florida, looking for a store that was open that would sell pregnancy tests. No luck. So the next morning, Corey and I got the kids ready for the beach then drove out a different direction and found a place. We purchased 3 $1 "baby tests" and the first one I took immediately showed up "positive."

We were excited. And I was nervous. I had been spotting off and on all week thinking I wasn't pregnant. Now it was even more disturbing.

I called the weekend scheduling clerk and she said to get an appointment before ten weeks I would have to call and speak to a nurse. I called the next morning and because of my history they said I could come on in today (Wednesday) to check everything out.

I wavered between worry and optimism until this morning. After having no symptoms yesterday I was really feeling good about my visit today.

We went into the doctor's office and she did an ultrasound.... she said that she saw a sac, yolk, and fetal pole but no heartbeat but it was early. She said that there was a slight flutter but she wanted to send me to get a detailed ultrasound on a better machine. Down to x-ray and a very long wait....

After the ultrasound, the results were sent up to the doctor and we went up to talk to her again. What she thought was the yolk and pole was actually just a blood clot, and it looked like there was just an empty sac, like before. No heartbeat.

We were sitting receiving the same news we got in December. We were devastated.

Our doctor is amazing! She sat and talked with us...offering encouragement that we did everything right... and she was so sorry.... and that we would get blood work just to confirm what was going on, that everything wasn't set in stone yet. She even gave me a hug before I left.

So, I headed downstairs to give more blood....just confused, and hurt, and sad...and everything. High numbers (5000s or so) would be bad because at that high we should see a lot more. Very low numbers could be okay but probably not...last time my levels were around 48 to the highest at 120 over the course of more than a week. I have been feeling very nauseous...and really not very much bleeding or hurting.

We went over to the mall across the street to get something to eat (finally at 2:30pm). When we got off at our exit, we were sitting in the bank drive through when I got the email on my phone telling me that I had new test results.

This was just dejavu from December. We must have checked test results on the phone about 10 times then!

So, I logged in and got the results. My hcg levels were 1783. WAY more than they ever were last time. Consistent with anywhere from a 2-6 week pregnancy. And consistent with what was seen on the ultrasound.

I go back on Friday to see what happens. I have absolutely no idea or inkling of gut instinct at all about what might happen. If they double or more by Friday afternoon it could be a good sign that it could still grow and I was just way less far along than I thought. Dropping or inching up slowly would confirm what we think is probably happening....another miscarriage.

I am so so so ....... unsure. I don't want to get false hope..... but I don't want to give up hope either. I want to have faith, but I don't want to be devastated again after getting too hopeful.

We haven't told many people the news this time. Just a few close friends and our parents. The kids haven't been told yet either. I don't want Katie to worry. We'll just pray and see what happens.

Pray for us.

Psalm 38:15

I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.