Here we go again.....

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

Exactly one week ago I was riding around Apalachicola, Florida, looking for a store that was open that would sell pregnancy tests. No luck. So the next morning, Corey and I got the kids ready for the beach then drove out a different direction and found a place. We purchased 3 $1 "baby tests" and the first one I took immediately showed up "positive."

We were excited. And I was nervous. I had been spotting off and on all week thinking I wasn't pregnant. Now it was even more disturbing.

I called the weekend scheduling clerk and she said to get an appointment before ten weeks I would have to call and speak to a nurse. I called the next morning and because of my history they said I could come on in today (Wednesday) to check everything out.

I wavered between worry and optimism until this morning. After having no symptoms yesterday I was really feeling good about my visit today.

We went into the doctor's office and she did an ultrasound.... she said that she saw a sac, yolk, and fetal pole but no heartbeat but it was early. She said that there was a slight flutter but she wanted to send me to get a detailed ultrasound on a better machine. Down to x-ray and a very long wait....

After the ultrasound, the results were sent up to the doctor and we went up to talk to her again. What she thought was the yolk and pole was actually just a blood clot, and it looked like there was just an empty sac, like before. No heartbeat.

We were sitting receiving the same news we got in December. We were devastated.

Our doctor is amazing! She sat and talked with us...offering encouragement that we did everything right... and she was so sorry.... and that we would get blood work just to confirm what was going on, that everything wasn't set in stone yet. She even gave me a hug before I left.

So, I headed downstairs to give more blood....just confused, and hurt, and sad...and everything. High numbers (5000s or so) would be bad because at that high we should see a lot more. Very low numbers could be okay but probably not...last time my levels were around 48 to the highest at 120 over the course of more than a week. I have been feeling very nauseous...and really not very much bleeding or hurting.

We went over to the mall across the street to get something to eat (finally at 2:30pm). When we got off at our exit, we were sitting in the bank drive through when I got the email on my phone telling me that I had new test results.

This was just dejavu from December. We must have checked test results on the phone about 10 times then!

So, I logged in and got the results. My hcg levels were 1783. WAY more than they ever were last time. Consistent with anywhere from a 2-6 week pregnancy. And consistent with what was seen on the ultrasound.

I go back on Friday to see what happens. I have absolutely no idea or inkling of gut instinct at all about what might happen. If they double or more by Friday afternoon it could be a good sign that it could still grow and I was just way less far along than I thought. Dropping or inching up slowly would confirm what we think is probably happening....another miscarriage.

I am so so so ....... unsure. I don't want to get false hope..... but I don't want to give up hope either. I want to have faith, but I don't want to be devastated again after getting too hopeful.

We haven't told many people the news this time. Just a few close friends and our parents. The kids haven't been told yet either. I don't want Katie to worry. We'll just pray and see what happens.

Pray for us.

Psalm 38:15

I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.