Yesterday morning, Corey took the kids to my mom's office to hang out for a bit during the day. We needed someone to watch the kids while I went to my appointment and we had also made plans for them to spend the night with my parents because we thought I would be getting medication today and would be sick over the weekend.
I was alone all during the day yesterday with the exception of my time with the person doing the ultrasound. I didn't even take anything to "do" in the waiting room. And I spent 20 minutes alone in the dark quiet ultrasound room while the technician reviewed the images. And it honestly it didn't bother me at all.
The kids still went on to my parents' house to spend the night because they were already very excited about it, and Corey went to hang out with some of the guys from church, so I spent the evening alone. I watched Steel Magnolias (which I'd never seen before) and various stuff on tv. I was content to be alone with my thoughts and just zone out.
Honestly, I told Corey this morning, that I would be content to just sit and stare at a wall indefinitely. My thoughts have just been gone. He asked what I wanted to do this morning and I really and truly didn't care. I realistically would have sat on the couch and stared at the walls all day. Just thinking. And feeling.
I am having so many feelings. Sadness, self-pity, hope, frustration, anger, all mixed together with the physical things like nausea and exhaustion from not sleeping well.
He told me to get dressed and let's go. He said we needed to go to Home Depot to pick up some things so I got dressed, didn't even fix my hair or makeup, and just left.
I am trying very hard to maintain the qualities that I know I should right now... like anticipation, hopefulness, faithfulness, optimism, etc. I know that feeling those things would make the day more pleasant for myself and others who have to be around me. But I guess after zoning out and not having the kids here to bring me around to life throughout the day, it was easy to just....... be. To fall into a slump.
When Corey made me get up and get dressed, just stepping outside woke me up a little. It was hot.
An encouraging call from my dear friend pepped me up slightly as well. Someone who has been here and who can acknowledge my right to feel these things but give me hope that it won't last forever. This too shall pass.
I feel like a failure to God for having so much "give-up-ness" in me right now. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated and angry. I know that giving it to Him is really my only choice because his plan is best. I know that in my head. But my heart and my emotions, my hormones and mood....just took over. Although it has only been a few weeks since we started with this round of the "miscarriage see-saw" it is almost like it has just tagged on with the other experience in December...it's almost like I can't remember those months in between...it's become such a cloud and flashback.
Our day out really helped me a lot. We walked around Home Depot. Had a late lunch at IHOP. Visited a thrift store and an office supply store. Then we went to pick up the kids.
I told my friend that I just wanted to be alone today. We were supposed to visit them today for a birthday party but I just wasn't in a party frame of mind. I guess my inner child needed a day to pout and be moody about all of this.
I told her that being with Corey was almost as good as being alone, ha ha. But he knew I didn't mean that in a bad way. I didn't even want to go get the kids early. I just wanted to be alone. What I meant by being with Corey was the same as being alone was that it is a comfort level thing. I am so thankful that I have a husband that is like being alone to be around. I can totally be myself....I don't feel compelled to talk if I don't want to, I can vent and share my feelings which he can share too in this situation. It was just a day of being. The good part is that he made me laugh so many times throughout the day. And it was nice. Better than being alone because I get the benefits of what I listed in addition to not having to drive myself around, ha ha.
Then we went to pick up the kids finally, who were already being fed dinner (thankfully) and the combination of a day "alone" with the evening with them here has been enough I think to get me on with things and out of my mood for a while.
I hope we get answers soon. I am trying so very hard to be hopeful for a miracle. I will be okay eventually, no matter what happens, but I am giving it all back tonight. There's nothing I can accomplish by hanging on to it anyway.