Monday, December 28, 2009

Back to the Doctor...

This morning I got up to try and be at the lab by 8:30am when they opened to do my blood work. I was greeted with Noah throwing up as he got out of our bed where he climbed early this morning after waking up at 6am not feeling well. The plan was for all 4 of us to ride down to the doctor's office, just so I wouldn't have to drive down there by myself. Well..that plan got changed pretty quickly. I got Noah settled on the couch with some diet sprite, a blanket, a washcloth, and a trash can, then headed out by myself.

I got there at about 8:20am and signed in. Wouldn't you know, first thing on Mondays they are busy. It didn't take too long though and I was home by 9:30.

The test results just posted and today's count: 45.9! (Down from 176 last Thursday) Moving in the right direction now. I hope I don't have to see the doctor this week!!!!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Eve and Day

This is not at all how I imagined I would be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. I imagined that I might be feeling yucky, but for completely different reasons....

This past week has been.... among the very worst of my life.

Wednesday, right after we had opened gifts with the kids, we got a call from another doctor! He was the doctor in the office where my original doctor was out on call or whatever, and he called me to try and convince me to come on in that day, get the bloodwork done and a shot. My instincts told me to wait but he was really pushing and condescending on the phone and it really just ruined our day. We decided to go with our original plan because that's what we wanted to do.

Yesterday morning, we went to the doctor first thing for bloodwork. I had decided over night that I wanted to CHANGE my doctor's appointment because I had NO INTEREST in seeing that guy who called me on the phone. When we got to the doctor I tried to change my appointment to someone else, but they told me he was the only one in the office. Now, here comes a part where I really like Kaiser again. They looked at all the other Kaiser offices in the area and found me someone else I could see yesterday afternoon. A lady at the Cobb office. I was relieved that whatever the outcome of the blood work, I would be able to talk to someone different about it...get another opinion.

It was about 4 hours till the appointment, so we drove over, found the office, then had some breakfast. After that we still had 3 hours to go, so we went to see Disney's A Christmas Carol. As soon as that was over, the test results were ready....

From my first doctor's visit a week ago, to yesterday, my hcg levels only rose a total of 85.... numbers that are supposed to double and triple and be in the thousands. We went from seeing a 5 1/2 week empty gestational sac, to seeing nothing but a tiny dot of fluid left. Since my numbers were slowly rising instead of falling and I had not done very much "expelling" of tissue...the doctors were worried that I had an ectopic pregnancy...a pregnancy "somewhere" other than where it could live in the body. They can be very threatening if left alone. I wasn't convinced that that was what was going on since I had hardly any symptoms and did not feel at peace rushing into a drug that would basically "kill" everything in my body. (that drug is also used to treat cancer if that tells you anything)

With my numbers slowly rising and nothing being seen, the NEW doctor that I saw yesterday gave us three options:

1. get my bloodwork done and then get a shot of methotrexate which would dissolve the ectopic pregnancy.

2. wait and see AGAIN, visiting the ER on Saturday to get more hcg drawn to see if it started going down.

3. go to the ER, get another detailed ultrasound done by a different machine to see if anything looked hopeful or different as well as get the bloodwork done I needed for then getting the methotrexate if I wanted to at that point.

I was truly hoping that my hcg was going to go down significantly yesterday morning. That way, the doctors would feel confident that the pregnancy was naturally taking care of itself and I could avoid the harsh drugs and "wondering".

When we got the results, I was not surprised actually, but they had inched up again. We had decided a few days earlier that if the hcg went UP again, and an ultrasound showed nothing, I would feel comfortable doing the shot...since inching up numbers mean that it isn't taking care of itself.

We chose option number three, so we headed over to Northside Hospital to get the ultrasound and blood work done. It wound up being a very long night of waiting that ended with me getting two shots of Methotrexate which felt like two bee stings in my upper "cheeks" (not the face!)

By the time we were finished, it was 8:15 and every place to eat was closed. We hadn't eaten lunch between all the running around and had hoped to be finished at the ER before 6 or so since we had arrived at 3pm, but no such luck. There was a McDonald's in the hospital that was still open, so that's where we had a Christmas Eve meal.

At about 10 till 7 they announced that they were having a Christmas Eve service in the chapel and if I had been wearing clothes, we totally would have gone! I wish now that we had asked and went anyway!

So, that's the story of our Christmas Eve. Today I am laying the bed, feeling nauseous from the drugs. It was a very difficult choice to make, taking that shot. But, I feel we made the best decision we could under the circumstances. We gave it time and prayer and really waited until we had peace with doing it. I know that God can heal and could have taken care of that situation, but we completely put it in his hands and felt at peace with what we decided to do... in order to protect my future fertility and organs, and ultimately, my life. I had to think of my other two children, who need me, and the fact that I didn't want to wait too long on those numbers to go down that it was too late for a simple (though very harsh) drug treatment rather than emergency surgery.

We were satisfied and at peace with the second opinion, the multiple ultrasounds showing NOTHING in my uterus except fluid.... and the still rising hcg levels.

I have to go back Monday to make sure the numbers ARE going down now. They have to follow me till they are zero.

I have discovered that I have now joined a club that has turned out to be not as exclusive as people think. The "miscarriage" club. I never thought it would be me, but it has been now, and I have so many things for which to be thankful. I am thankful that it never became an urgent emergency situation. I am thankful for the fact that we told all our friends on facebook, because it really became a great source of prayer and encouragement for us. I am thankful for two beautifully healthy children who bless our lives every day with humor and love. I am thankful for living near two sets of grandparents and friends who were willing to keep our children for "indeterminable" lengths of time when we would head out to the doctor, never knowing where we would end up by the end of the day. I am thankful for the silent nudgings and guidance of God via conscience or verse.
Last but not least: I am thankful for my husband. He has been so good. He has allowed me to fume about the doctors and share my "gut instinct" and trusted me on it. He has taken care of me and given me humor in the waiting rooms and in the ER, making the time seem not so drab and boring, and lightening the mood everywhere we went. And now, he is in the kitchen making the cheeseball for tonight's gathering, and cooking a hashbrown casserole for us to eat.

I am so blessed.
And one more thing:
A certain verse kept coming to me over and over yesterday, and I know it is from God.
I am taking it as a promise....

Psalm 30:11-12

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

I remembered posting this verse on my regular blog recently, so I looked back to see when it was. I had posted it the day before Thanksgiving and ended with this thought: Life is great. God is good. Always and still true.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What A Day!

This morning we went to see the doctor again. He did an ultrasound and it only showed a tiny speck of something left in my uterus. He wanted to do more blood work and do a more detailed ultrasound to confirm that nothing was showing up in my tubes...since I had not had heavy bleeding and my blood count had not dropped dramatically.

We thought we were done and were coping with the loss. Then he called late this evening to talk about the fact that my blood work hcg count went up AGAIN (only about 35 points this time) and that the ultrasound did not show anything in my tubes. He was still suspicious that something could be going on there, but very early and wanted me to get a shot of Methotrexate to dissolve anything if there is a pregnancy there.

I immediately did not feel comfortable with his suggestion. I actually had started bleeding pretty heavily this afternoon after the ultrasound and told him that I think it might take care of itself. He said it is possible and I asked if it would be okay to come in a couple of days and get tested again to see if my levels start to drop.

So, that's what we are doing. We are hoping and praying now for the opposite of what we have been praying for the past several days. We want this situation to resolve itself God's natural way so that I don't have to make a decision I might question forever. I couldn't feel right taking a drug that stops all growth, when there is still that TINY smidgen of something still in my uterus. Even though the chances are next to nill that it could be anything, I would wonder forever...what if?

Also, I have since done some research on that Methotrexate drug, and it sounds AWFUL! It is even used for cancer treatment and commonly causes nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, dizziness, fatigue...etc. NO THANKS! PLEASE help us pray that this just all goes naturally and I don't need any further treatment!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Trying to Stay Positive....Literally

We got to the medical office this morning around 11:15 or so. It was a quick thing to give blood. Since it only took about 3 hrs to get the results, we figured we would kill some time and then come back to the office to talk to someone in person about the results.

After lunch we picked up a few stocking stuffers and other stuff we need for Christmas, then went back over to the office, only to discover that this test was not ordered stat and they did not know when the results would be in, since the lab would be open till midnight.

That was very discouraging news, but we made our way home to pick up the kids. On the way home from getting them we got the email that our test results were ready. I logged into the Kaiser website and saw the results. My heart was literally pounding in my chest and I felt out of breath.

The results: 205

Up only 14 from Friday's results of 191. VERY discouraging. Devastating.

I called the office and talked to a nurse who wasn't able to really give me any thoughts. She just gathered an update on my symptoms and said the doctor would call me back. He didn't call. Eventually the nurse called back. She said that the doctor said that the results were abnormal (ummmm...yeah...) and that he wanted to see my again first thing in the morning. They wanted to do another ultrasound to see if anything has changed and to confirm that it isn't an ectopic pregnancy.

We are finding it very difficult to have faith in a miracle at this point. I am so very thankful for all of my friends and family who are praying for us right now.

I have actually held it together very well today. I don't know why, but I just haven't fallen completely to pieces about it. I did that a few days ago, actually.

My appointment is at 9:40 in the morning. I am less nervous about it than I was yesterday about the bloodwork this morning. I have no idea what this is all about but I am just trying to trust and wait.

Sunday, December 20, 2009 it comes again...

Panic. As much peace as I have had today, as I try to lay in bed to sleep body is attempting to have a panic attack. As in....a punch in the gut, short of breath, heart a flutter, panic attack.

I am going to go back and re-read my last post to remind myself of the confidence I felt earlier. I feel like I have gone through today in a dream, which I know has been God's way of getting me through the day.

Please pray for me!

Faith Restored

I don't know what happened to me overnight, but I have felt a complete change in my demeanor over the past 12 hours or so.

During the night I had a very horrifying dream, which I won't share. The gist of it was NOT a good outcome, but in spite of it I woke up feeling hopeful and full of confidence that everything is going to be okay.

I have full confidence in an alternate possibility that is going on.... one that I had thought of before but never believed was truly possible until this morning which I am assuming is from prayers of my friends and family.... God has really given me peace about this idea...

*warning....sensitive "girl" stuff ahead*

Here is the thought: I have very irregular cycles. Even though I might have the "same day" two months in a row, it might be a totally different day even a week later the next month. I was anticipating that I might be pregnant this month, so I had ordered a bulk lot of tests through Amazon. (Corey has said that he won't ever do that again!)
So....I started taking them about 7-10 days before I was due. That is the time when they "can" work. didn't start showing a faint positive until about 2 days before I was due. When I say faint, I mean FAINT FAINT FAINT showing up way after the time limit. The first day I got a REAL positive was the day I thought I was due.....
SO...IF my cycle was going to change that could have been that I was still 10 days or 7 days away from my "due" date. Therefore.....the numbers that showed up on that blood test would be right in line with being only 2-3 weeks pregnant, which is what I may be if had a later cycle all around. It was also explain more of the breakthrough bleeding problems I have had since a lot of people have that, especially when their period is due the first month.
Also...on our trip I had some very distinct "PMS" symptoms that I have been very regularly having the week BEFORE my period but not during! They are gone this week. Because I had found out I was pregnant, I chalked them up to being pregnant, then was devastated when they were gone this week!

The only thing that doesn't make quite as much sense is the fact that the ultrasound showed up a normal thing for 5 weeks. Not sure about that.... but nothing is normal.....

Here's the thing: If I wasn't looking for a positive pregnancy test until THIS week, then I would have just taken one, and been expecting what is going on with me otherwise and would be none the wiser about anything going on right now.

I am holding on to this right now. We only have to wait until tomorrow to get another clue as to what might be going on, so please keep praying for us. I am needing it and feeling it!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Prayer for Faith

I am having such a difficult time being optimistic right now. I keep thinking of all the reasons that things might be okay, and then I just give up. I have cried a million tears and am finding it very hard to have faith...even as small as a mustard seed.

I have felt sick today. At first I thought that was a good sign, but then all the other evidence today seems to just be mocking me upon each incident.

I am so disappointed in myself right now about my lack of faith. It seems to come so easy to me in any other aspect of my life... finances... decisions... but this....

Right now I am so thankful that we have shared our news and our situation with so many people. I don't know what I would do if I had to rely on my own prayers right now, because I don't even have words to utter.

GOD, I believe, but please help my unbelief!

Friday, December 18, 2009


I was able to get my test results this afternoon. My HCG level was 191.7. That is not a good number considering that my ultrasound showed a 5 week 4 day gestational sac.

Praying. Not feeling optimistic, still hurting and having the bleeding.

First Encounter with Kaiser Doctors

The doctor visit today was completely inconclusive.

My blood pressure was elevated. I have had that happen more and more when I go to the doctor... then at home it is fine. I think I am becoming one of those people who have a high reading due to nerves/worry. ESPECIALLY today!

So, the Kaiser facility is SUPER nice. It is the most efficiently run doctor's office I have ever been a patient in! We checked in early, about 20 minutes before our appointment, and we were taken pretty much straight back. They had me do a urine sample, then we went back to wait. We had to wait on an ultrasound room to be ready.

Ahh..the wonderful "internal" ultrasound. YUCK! ha ha!

The doctor warned us that we might not see anything at this point, it being so early. He did see some fibroids. I was not aware that I had fibroids but I am not surprised. It shouldn't cause any issues though and he did see a gestational sac. That is the only thing really to see at this point anyway. It did measure the right size for 5 weeks. He said it was not perfectly round which might mean something or might not. I have researched that a bit since I got home and have found it is actually quite common and normal. It was reassuring to even see ANYTHING. My worse fear was that with the symptoms I have been having that there would be nothing there at all.

UPDATE: I have since found out that fibroids very commonly cause bleeding during pregnancy. Not that this is awesome news, but could be a very reasonable explanation for what is going on other than something being wrong. It won't necessarily cause problems but may cause more pain throughout....

He sent me over to the lab for blood work. Another awesome thing about this facility. It was right across the lobby to another waiting room and I only waited about 5 minutes. I was in and out for the stick in less than 3 minutes. I am supposed to come back on Monday for more blood work and they will compare the HCG levels. Those levels double every 48 hours in early pregnancy, so they will be able to tell if everything is progressing normally at that point.

It was VERY hard to read the doctor. He is new to me and seemed very nice...had great bedside manner and made me comfortable, but not knowing him I don't know if he tends to be overly cautious or whatnot. He did say that whatever was going to happen would happen at this point, and I am guessing that he is leaning on the side of preparing us for the worst. Besides, no one knows how I have been spotting and cramping at this point except me. Hearing stories from other people, it seems to have no rhyme or reason. Some people experience very heavy bleeding and have perfectly healthy babies...some people start out just like me and miscarry.

The point being: We are not in control of this one way or the other. I know that we have trusted with this entire situation from the beginning and there is no point stopping now. I am glad that we have a busy weekend. The doctor told me that it wouldn't matter if I sat around or went bowling...there is nothing to do but wait.

Thank you for your prayers.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sooner than Later

Well, we get to see the doctor sooner than we thought. I am still having some problems so they want me to come in tomorrow morning. I am praying that everything is okay. Please say a prayer for us!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

First Appointment

I scheduled our first pre-natal appointment today! It will be Wednesday, January 6th, at 9:40am. The lady that I talked to from Kaiser was so very nice. She seemed happy for me! ha ha!

The first appointment is with one of the midwives. I am happy about that. She said the appointment would last about 50 minutes. Hopefully, Corey will get to go with me.

I am having some cramping this week and other little stuff that is worrisome, but I am trying really hard to not worry. I remember having similar things go on when I was pregnant with Katie. It is hard to not worry though. We told everyone so early and it has made me extra paranoid about something happening. I know what I am experiencing is normal, but, wow....everything is something to potentially worry about!

I also talked to the benefits and billing person! Agh! Never good news there. least we have coverage! It is definitely better than what we had before, but we still have $3000 in copays to get ready for. Hopefully I will successfully have a natural birth experience for MANY reasons, not the least of which is a 30% coinsurance to pay if I were to use "other" options. eek!

I have someone who is going to be a birth coach/doula for me at the hospital! My best friend from high school's mom has been a nurse for years and is currently in doula certification training. She has had a baby at home before and I am very blessed that she is willing to include me as one of her training experiences! She can help me be in control at the hospital of what procedures and things go on and will be very helpful in encouraging me through hopefully not having any drugs! Isn't it great that I have that available???? Doulas can be very expensive and since she would be there just for me, it will be like having my own private nurse the whole time! She will also help Corey out with knowing how to help me during labor. Since she is still in training and my friend's mom, she said she would not charge me! What a blessing! It will be comforting to know also that I have someone local I can call (since my doctors and hospitals are in Kennesaw!) I just think this is the neatest thing to happen, and what timing!!! She is in training NOW when I could use someone!

If you read this, please say a prayer that the cramps and other symptoms I am having will go away just for my own sanity! :)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Extra Positive!

This morning I took ANOTHER test, with a DIFFERENT brand and YES it is definitely positive! It showed up DARK this time! :)

I feel so blessed and the sick feelings I have been having the past few days have lessened tremendously. I really think it was nerves about our trip and about the outcome of this situation!

Please pray for me as we enjoy the rest of our trip. I cannot express how thankful I am for this chance for a trip with Corey, just the two of us, before our lives get rocked again forever!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I wasn't sure...I had told Corey about my hunches and the barely barely showing up pink lines on the previous tests that showed up after the "official" time period.

In the middle of the night we had a terrible really shook me up I guess I was having another weird dream or something. But then..I decided to do another test since it is now officially "the day" to be able to tell.


It is positive!

Still "kind of" faint, but it showed up immediately this time and there is no doubt it is there!

WOW! I can't believe it only took one month. God is so good to us and we are very grateful and so aware of what a miracle event this is! We are going to tell the kids this morning...and then they get to tell the grandparents!
I can't wait to see their expressions! We thought about waiting until we get home from the trip, but we are just too excited. I have now rethought my decision to ride anything and everything I want, lol..I guess things change when they are more REAL!

I am quite nervous.... because I have already felt nauseous, but I hope it is just from the anticipation of finding out and about our trip. I always get the feeling I am getting a stomach bug the day before we go on a big trip! ha ha!

Now to start saving for that $3000 copay for the insurance! agh! I told Corey I was going to put a donate button on this blog! HA! AND I was only halfway joking!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Faint Line?

I am so convinced right now that I am definitely pregnant! I have not been sleeping well, and I have woke up at around 5-5:30am two mornings in a row feeling very yucky. I have just sat there in the bed, awake, until I brave the cold and go in the kitchen to get a snack. Then I feel better, go back to bed, and sleep like a ROCK until the kids wake us up around 8am.

I have been using a lot of the tests that I ordered in bulk. The past couple that I have taken have shown a VERY VERY VERY light pink line in the test area. I could just be a fluke, but I am not so sure.

I should know by the end of the week FOR SURE.

We are leaving first thing in the morning for our Disney trip. I have researched it and my feeling is that I can do pretty much anything that "I" would normally do on this trip...since IF I am pregnant, it would be barely so.

Monday, December 7, 2009

2 Days!

I have been feeling SO funny this week...well...the past couple of days anyway. I really really really think I am pregnant. I have hesitated to write it down because I could just be making symptoms up in my head, but I decided that if I'm not superstitious, then I'm not superstitious, so no worries!

The most prominent symptom I am having is eating issues. As in...I feel shaky the moment I am hungry and nothing tastes good. Food is okay, but usually, I love food and everything about it. ESPECIALLY the week before "the" week. But over the past few days, whatever I think I am in the mood for just doesn't cut it! I am not exactly nauseous, just feeling very picky and non-satisfied with food. A great way to start out our trip which is going to be jam packed full of pre-planned, FREE and abundant food! Let's just hope God, in his wisdom, will grant me the grace to want what we already have reservations for!

I say all this knowing that I could just be creating all this in my head since I expect it to happen. :) I could very well be VERY wrong.

Oh..and Corey found my blog. He was using my computer and it showed up under my profile when he was looking at my other blog. It's not that I wanted to keep it a secret, but I didn't want him to feel pressured by the fact that I created a blog. He should know by now that creating a blog about something is no big deal for me, right?! ha ha!