Saturday, June 26, 2010

Moving On

It seems that everything is pretty much over with this miscarriage, physically. I have to say that I already feel better emotionally than I have in a very long time. I think it is because I feel that I have so much closure much complete trust and faith.

I have learned, even more than before, that we should not try and be in control of planning things for ourselves. Maybe we all have things mixed up...where we try and plan the "big" moments of our lives, like marriage, babies, jobs, moves...when really those most important things are the very things we should not try to be in control of at all.

I don't mean that you should just leave your life to chance or not put any thought into them. But the control and planning over them... the people who have every "big" thing in their life planned...

God doesn't give us control over those things. He gives us power over the little things... what clothes to wear, what movie to see. Perhaps where to go on vacation, or what book to read next. But the big things... babies... those things, as much as we like to think we are in control... we really aren't. And as much as we think we have complete power to control the big decisions...I've come to realize that the best place for those decisions is in a place completely and totally out of my reach and influence. I don't want control over where I am going to live, or where I am going to work or when and if I will have more children. I am leaving all of those things completely up to God. His has a way of letting his will be known, if we just let it.

This isn't to say that I won't be actively participating or seeking His plan. But it does mean that whatever happens I will give thanks that I know it is His will if I am willing and praying for that in our lives. And we are.

I believe that God gives us wisdom to make choices. But, I have come to trust that I don't always know what the right choice is going to be until the moment comes. A goal of mine is to not worry about tomorrow...or next month, or next year. I will take each minute, hour, and day as it comes, trusting that wisdom will be given when I need it. Along with grace, I believe God gives wisdom freely and perfectly, to complete His plan for us.

It is our human nature to try and plan everything. But not everything matters. Only the big things. So don't "sweat the small stuff" because if its important enough, He won't let us sweat it out too long anyway. :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Another Long Day

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

For we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death so that we would rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He who rescued us from so deadly a peril will continue to rescue us; on him we have set our hope that he will rescue us again. (2 Corinthians 1:8b-10a)

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

It's been a very long day. Like the first hard time of 4 hours, but this time pretty much all day. Not as much pain until the past few hours, but I will just say that is has been a very....... hard.... day.

This is definitely turning out to be worse than I thought it would be. Definitely a lot worse than last time. I guess because I was further along and supposedly in a different type of pregnancy.

I am so tired and weak right now. I took extra iron this morning when it got worse but I don't seem to feeling the effects, though I may have felt the lack of affect if I had not taken it, so maybe it is helping and I just don't know it.

I feel bad complaining on here, but I meant this to be a log of my experiences, and I want to include all the stages, good and bad. I also know that this experience is can't compare with what many people have suffered and faced in their lives. My life has been so protected and blessed. But, in my life, this is what I am going through. And as a friend once told me... your broken foot doesn't make my paper cut hurt any less. A lightening of the mood there. :) I know God considers all of our needs and understands how they affect us individually. And He desires to meet them all equally.

I am still trusting and praying. I know this won't last forever. In retrospect it will seem such a tiny blip of time. But right now the day is really long.

Friday, June 11, 2010

A Perfect Day

Deuteronomy 32:4
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Unlikely title for a post right now, huh? Well, yesterday, God's way was known in my life. Before I even got out of bed I had an email with a link to a post, a post that really spoke to me and our situation. My heart was so heavy and sad.

Then, I called my neighbor whom I hadn't spoken to in a few days. She is so wise and comforting. She is more wise than anyone "our" age has a right to be! ha ha. But, her talk encouraged me to just blindly trust in our situation. To embrace the fact that God is drawing me nearer to Him and is building a testimony. To not give up the words I have been given and the desires of my heart. To just tell God how I'm feeling because He already knows.

Sometimes the things we know are overwhelmed by the feelings and emotions of the moment.

I spent some time in prayer and crying. Then I got an encouraging comment from the writer of that post I had been given. Her words were comforting as well. I felt so at peace with our situation and the future. Comfortable and at peace with letting go of trying to figure everything out and know His plan.

Then, in the early afternoon, we got a definite answer. I spent four hours of the late afternoon/evening in deep physical pain, cramping, all that comes along with having a miscarriage.

One of my prayers was that if this wasn't going to happen for us this time, that it happen naturally at home. And God answered that prayer for me. Not only did He answer that prayer, but He orchestrated an entire morning devoted to the restoration of my soul and mind, so that when the time came I was as ready as I could be for something like that to happen.

It still made me cry. It still hurt and by no means was it a pleasant experience. It still isn't even completely over. But I believe the worst is behind me.

Had I entered that physical stage of this tragedy in the state of mind I was in when I woke up, then my evening would have been a much worse time, I know that.

I am trusting and believing. I don't know the future, but I really don't have to. And that is a freeing thought. I don't have to plan it all the time. I don't have to know what His plan is or ask for it to be revealed. Because I know eventually, it will.

Whatever happens, even a miscarriage....can happen in a good way. I had a perfect day today. Not perfectly happy, but perfect. A "right" day. Because it happened the way He ordained even before I was ever born. I trust that it was perfect. Because He is the Rock and
His ways are perfect.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Nothing. Too much. Not enough.

That's how I feel right now. There is just too much going on in my mind.....

I have no idea how we got from that point, to this one. The point where we were so sure of our decision..... that it was the right one, the prayed over and given now, where nothing makes sense and my heart is completely and totally broken.

I don't understand what is going on with my body and I don't understand how this has happened twice in 7 months now.

Today, I was unfortunately given a sure sign that this is over again.

And I just don't understand.

I am increasingly grateful for the children we have. I know that is more than a lot of people who go through these kinds of experiences can say. I am so very grateful for their smiles and hugs, and for just them. But I am sad at the same time...regretful that I didn't realize at the time what a precious and amazing miracle I was experiencing through their pregnancies and births. Not that I didn't realize it in many and some ways, but I just feel like I didn't realize it enough.

I don't want to feel this way. If this is an answer for us in some way that our family is complete, then I want, and I need for the desire to be taken away. I know it can happen, and that is my prayer. My prayer is for peace and for healing, and for health and happiness, and for the desire for more children to be taken away and for me to feel peaceful, if that is what this means for us.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Metal Mouth

I woke up in the middle of the night with a new great pregnancy symptom: metal mouth!


I don't remember having this happen ever before. I got up and realized I had forgotten to bring a cup of water by the bed, so I went in the kitchen and got a fresh cup of ice cold water.

Took a big sip, and.....BLECH! It tasted AWFUL! I can't explain it exactly, but it was almost like a sweet metal which I know doesn't make any kind of sense, but that's the best I can do. It's been like that all day today as well.

All I can say is, I have definitely put in some time with annoying pregnancy symptoms. I hope hope hope that we get good news next week, though I am prepared for the worst.... I truly pray that all these crazy symptoms aren't for nothing!

Monday, June 7, 2010

2 weeks

I called the doctor this morning to cancel my appointment.

It didn't seem like 3 days was long enough for changes...and driving 100 miles round trip and giving them $50 seemed like a waste this soon.

They consulted and called me back saying that waiting two more weeks would be fine. Unless, of course, I start having some kind of major pains or symptoms in the meantime.

I am really not looking forward to feeling nauseous for two more weeks for no reason, if this all ends badly as we think it might.

But, I am willing to wait. For that chance it might be okay. Two weeks should be enough time for my body to do what it needs to do one way or the other.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Forever grateful for a word from God for my soul.

The message today had a special part in it just for my grieving soul. We aren't all "up" all the time. God's people have the job of lifting each other up. I have a constant support system... people who are praying for me and holding on to faith when I can't hold on to it for myself.

I don't have to feel like I let God down with my attitude over the past couple of days. I can repent and move on and get back on board with my faith and optimism. Two days of disbelief and sadness didn't ruin my life or change God's plan for my life... we are back on and I am feeling better! :)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

In a Mood

Yesterday morning, Corey took the kids to my mom's office to hang out for a bit during the day. We needed someone to watch the kids while I went to my appointment and we had also made plans for them to spend the night with my parents because we thought I would be getting medication today and would be sick over the weekend.

I was alone all during the day yesterday with the exception of my time with the person doing the ultrasound. I didn't even take anything to "do" in the waiting room. And I spent 20 minutes alone in the dark quiet ultrasound room while the technician reviewed the images. And it honestly it didn't bother me at all.

The kids still went on to my parents' house to spend the night because they were already very excited about it, and Corey went to hang out with some of the guys from church, so I spent the evening alone. I watched Steel Magnolias (which I'd never seen before) and various stuff on tv. I was content to be alone with my thoughts and just zone out.

Honestly, I told Corey this morning, that I would be content to just sit and stare at a wall indefinitely. My thoughts have just been gone. He asked what I wanted to do this morning and I really and truly didn't care. I realistically would have sat on the couch and stared at the walls all day. Just thinking. And feeling.

I am having so many feelings. Sadness, self-pity, hope, frustration, anger, all mixed together with the physical things like nausea and exhaustion from not sleeping well.

He told me to get dressed and let's go. He said we needed to go to Home Depot to pick up some things so I got dressed, didn't even fix my hair or makeup, and just left.

I am trying very hard to maintain the qualities that I know I should right now... like anticipation, hopefulness, faithfulness, optimism, etc. I know that feeling those things would make the day more pleasant for myself and others who have to be around me. But I guess after zoning out and not having the kids here to bring me around to life throughout the day, it was easy to just....... be. To fall into a slump.

When Corey made me get up and get dressed, just stepping outside woke me up a little. It was hot.

An encouraging call from my dear friend pepped me up slightly as well. Someone who has been here and who can acknowledge my right to feel these things but give me hope that it won't last forever. This too shall pass.

I feel like a failure to God for having so much "give-up-ness" in me right now. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated and angry. I know that giving it to Him is really my only choice because his plan is best. I know that in my head. But my heart and my emotions, my hormones and mood....just took over. Although it has only been a few weeks since we started with this round of the "miscarriage see-saw" it is almost like it has just tagged on with the other experience in's almost like I can't remember those months in's become such a cloud and flashback.

Our day out really helped me a lot. We walked around Home Depot. Had a late lunch at IHOP. Visited a thrift store and an office supply store. Then we went to pick up the kids.

I told my friend that I just wanted to be alone today. We were supposed to visit them today for a birthday party but I just wasn't in a party frame of mind. I guess my inner child needed a day to pout and be moody about all of this.

I told her that being with Corey was almost as good as being alone, ha ha. But he knew I didn't mean that in a bad way. I didn't even want to go get the kids early. I just wanted to be alone. What I meant by being with Corey was the same as being alone was that it is a comfort level thing. I am so thankful that I have a husband that is like being alone to be around. I can totally be myself....I don't feel compelled to talk if I don't want to, I can vent and share my feelings which he can share too in this situation. It was just a day of being. The good part is that he made me laugh so many times throughout the day. And it was nice. Better than being alone because I get the benefits of what I listed in addition to not having to drive myself around, ha ha.

Then we went to pick up the kids finally, who were already being fed dinner (thankfully) and the combination of a day "alone" with the evening with them here has been enough I think to get me on with things and out of my mood for a while.

I hope we get answers soon. I am trying so very hard to be hopeful for a miracle. I will be okay eventually, no matter what happens, but I am giving it all back tonight. There's nothing I can accomplish by hanging on to it anyway.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Roller Coasters

I don't ride roller coasters. But I have definitely been on one the past few weeks.

Today, the ultrasound was inconclusive. The doctor said we shouldn't do anything as far as medication goes right now. The gestational sac actually grew over the past two weeks, though nothing can be seen inside it yet. That combined with the fact that I am not bleeding, my numbers went up (though very slowly), and I have so many symptoms...makes her reluctant to do anything permanent.

And actually, I agree. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at this point either.

But I am ready to be off this roller coaster!!!!!!!

I go back to the doctor Monday.

I really don't want to be hopeful for no reason, and I think I am still prepared for the worst....

But I keep thinking about my verse.... the evidence of things not seen...the evidence of things not seen.

I was slightly relieved that the decision was taken out of my hands today. We'd already made plans for the kids to be away and for Corey to be home with me...but then we thought we knew the outcome of today. But it turns out we didn't.

Oh well...I guess this is to be continued on Monday.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Our Answer

We got our answer today. No baby in January for us.

There was no growth from two weeks ago to today. Just an empty sac where the baby should have grown. I had bloodwork done which showed an increase in Hcg from 2224 to 6964. Very slow rate of rising over a period of two complete weeks.

They do need to do another official ultrasound before giving me medication which is what we have decided would be best. If the ultrasound confirms no growth, then I can do the medication over the weekend and hopefully be on the road to feeling better before too much longer. I just don't want to keep having these pregnancy symptoms when it is a failed pregnancy. It's too much.

I think we were definitely prepared for this news today. I had complete peace and now that we have our answer I am at peace with doing what we need to do next.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Night Before

Well...all the waiting has gotten me to this point: the night before.

Tomorrow we should know definitely whether or not to plan for a baby's arrival in January.

I still feel completely at peace, though I am sure my blood pressure and heart rate will tell a different story before my appointment, ha ha.

My appointment is at 12:40. Of wouldn't be first thing in the morning.

I have planned my first nine weeks of homeschool out on paper...I have written out the kids spelling words on index cards (every set for both of them for the entire year!) which is a ton by the way. I have done just about everything I can do at home..the laundry is caught up, the dishes are clean, I have blogged, I have prayed, I have enlisted the prayers of a few friends.

I have sent out e-vites for Noah's family birthday party, worked out some of our summer schedule with traveling (hopefully).....

All I can do now is the same thing I have been doing for the past two weeks......wait.

And pray, and meditate on the answer God gave me last weekend...

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen;
it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

No matter what happens tomorrow...I know that God's plan will prevail. And I have to rest in the peace that He knows best. His way is best. If that includes a baby for us in January then I will joyfully and willingly accept that it is meant to happen in His timing. And if it does not, then I will willingly and trustingly accept that it is meant to happen in His timing.