I think in the back of my mind, or way down in the bottom of my heart really...I've been holding onto the fact that we would have another baby before I turned 30.
And... that would have had to happen this past month....July.
And.... it didn't.
So today has been a difficult day for me. I had been so happy the past weeks. So healthy... feeling great. I couldn't even make myself be sad about the babies that never were meant to be. And I told myself I was "over it."
Yet, I live to learn another lesson. I didn't want to think I was still holding on to that "30" mark. I guess I was, and it seems God still has more for me to learn.
In about a week and a half we are going on a family trip to Chicago. I gave Corey tickets to the Braves (our local team) vs. the Cubs for his 30th birthday. It was going to be a trip for just the two of us, during the week our first miscarried baby was due. We decided a while back to take the kids too and Corey would take Noah to the game instead (a wise choice! :), and I am truly looking forward to it.
I have tried to look on the positive side of things today. I did pray...in EARNEST...that God would not allow me to get pregnant again if it wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy... that He would please spare me the roller coaster and physical toll. I am very grateful for that. I truly and really and honestly and am thankful for that.
And, He has strengthened my own faith in the fact that we gave it 100% and totally to Him... and He is faithful.
And so time goes on. April 28th, 2011, my 30th birthday...will pass with no baby in my arms. But I'll survive. If I know anything from all this..I DO know that!
2 comments:
I have no words, really...just agreement that God has a plan...and if that includes greeting your 30th with a heart full of love...and arms full of a DH that adores you...a daughter that wants to grow up to be just like you...and a son who repeats the words of his mama because she knows best...then, yes...you will survive...but I believe also...you will THRIVE....
All that Karen said, but also ... 30 is so much easier then 29. I don't know why it seemed so scary. It really isn't. So, I promise. There will still be time.
Remember - never a lesson learned, just a process. So, climb in your daddy's lap anytime. Then call me, and I will climb up there with you, and we can cry on his shoulder together.
I love you!
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