Nothing. Too much. Not enough.
That's how I feel right now. There is just too much going on in my mind.....
I have no idea how we got from that point, to this one. The point where we were so sure of our decision..... that it was the right one, the prayed over and given answer...to now, where nothing makes sense and my heart is completely and totally broken.
I don't understand what is going on with my body and I don't understand how this has happened twice in 7 months now.
Today, I was unfortunately given a sure sign that this is over again.
And I just don't understand.
I am increasingly grateful for the children we have. I know that is more than a lot of people who go through these kinds of experiences can say. I am so very grateful for their smiles and hugs, and for just them. But I am sad at the same time...regretful that I didn't realize at the time what a precious and amazing miracle I was experiencing through their pregnancies and births. Not that I didn't realize it in many and some ways, but I just feel like I didn't realize it enough.
I don't want to feel this way. If this is an answer for us in some way that our family is complete, then I want, and I need for the desire to be taken away. I know it can happen, and that is my prayer. My prayer is for peace and for healing, and for health and happiness, and for the desire for more children to be taken away and for me to feel peaceful, if that is what this means for us.