Nothing. Too much. Not enough.
That's how I feel right now. There is just too much going on in my mind.....
I have no idea how we got from that point, to this one. The point where we were so sure of our decision..... that it was the right one, the prayed over and given answer...to now, where nothing makes sense and my heart is completely and totally broken.
I don't understand what is going on with my body and I don't understand how this has happened twice in 7 months now.
Today, I was unfortunately given a sure sign that this is over again.
And I just don't understand.
I am increasingly grateful for the children we have. I know that is more than a lot of people who go through these kinds of experiences can say. I am so very grateful for their smiles and hugs, and for just them. But I am sad at the same time...regretful that I didn't realize at the time what a precious and amazing miracle I was experiencing through their pregnancies and births. Not that I didn't realize it in many and some ways, but I just feel like I didn't realize it enough.
I don't want to feel this way. If this is an answer for us in some way that our family is complete, then I want, and I need for the desire to be taken away. I know it can happen, and that is my prayer. My prayer is for peace and for healing, and for health and happiness, and for the desire for more children to be taken away and for me to feel peaceful, if that is what this means for us.
2 comments:
Praying for and with you, Carrie...
Sometimes, these moments of realization after the fact...come when they are needed most...
The Lord knows you are hurting and confused...and will bring peace and healing as only He can....
Sister, your post on my blog truly touched my heart...and now reading your blog...I understand why your heart is so heavy...why tears are insufficient. I've been where you are...more questions than answers...a heart that is not only broken, but empty beyond comprehension...and hope seems illusive. God seems absent and His promises that were once black and white, at times, fade to gray. You are not alone...although...I understand that often...you will want to be. You'll want to sit in despair for a while...it's hard for many to understand, but in some ways it's comforting...to allow the pain to take its course. It's part of the healing process...and it's okay. I think you did one important thing...and that is, you asked God to make His will known. He is faithful...He will do that...and He will give you peace about it. You will have to rely on the strength of Jesus...that same strength that caused Him to walk faithfully to the Cross.
Know this...God's love for you is beyond description...He has purpose for allowing the pain...and He will carry you when you're too weak to carry on. He has not abandoned you...He is with you always-He is our anchor of hope in the deepest, darkest, valleys of life. Our faith is born out of darkness and confusion...His Light will guide us through.Faith isn't easy...but it makes ALL things possible. It is His grace that will be sufficient for your every need...keep trusting...keep looking to God in everything...and cling to His Promises...though your life may look like it's falling apart, it is truly just falling in place into the hands of a Mighty, Loving God.
Praying for you,
Cherie
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