Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Happiness, Sadness and Longing

Early this morning, a friend from church gave birth to twins. She had carried them for a little over 37 weeks, after a couple of months of bed rest around the 20th week or so.

She went in at 2am, delivered at 3:45am, completely natural. A boy and a girl, weighing 6lbs and 7 lbs.

I was so happy for her! That is really a blessing, to deliver healthy twins so far along with such high birth weights, and to do it all quickly and naturally!

Then.... sadness set in. Not because I would ever take away her experience or begrudge her or wish that it would have been harder. NOT AT ALL! She is a sweet and wonderful mother and I am thrilled for her that she had such an awesome birth experience.

I am sad because it is exactly the birth I want. I want it for myself. I want to get to the hospital "ready to push" and naturally and joyfully deliver a baby bundle of joy.

I know that I am blessed in that I have already been given two wonderful, sweet, loving, and beautiful children. I know that to ask for another is already to have above and beyond what many women get to experience. But.... it is what I had planned before. What we had prayed about and given to God to happen at the right time. Before the miscarriage...before we even found out. I am learning to not trust in my plans, but I am only human. I am trying.

I just can't help but be a little sad. It is bittersweet. My joy for her is bittersweet because I might have had that, if God's plan had not been otherwise. I pray and trust that maybe it will be in store for me yet. In His timing.
I do hope and pray that it will!

1 comment:

Andy's Bethy said...

Today was national "Sanctity of human life" Sunday. That's always a rough one for me, but the verse they always quote, from Psalms, about how He knows the days laid out for us. Every minute, before we see it, is already planned. I have to trust that, especially for my children.