Then Sings My Soul

This week would have been the due date for our first miscarried baby. August 18, 2010. This is my song for the week. Though I faced unspeakable loss and sadness, He came to my rescue and brought me to where He was. It was worth it all and always will be.

My Thirties

I think in the back of my mind, or way down in the bottom of my heart really...I've been holding onto the fact that we would have another baby before I turned 30.

And... that would have had to happen this past month....July.

And.... it didn't.

So today has been a difficult day for me. I had been so happy the past weeks. So healthy... feeling great. I couldn't even make myself be sad about the babies that never were meant to be. And I told myself I was "over it."

Yet, I live to learn another lesson. I didn't want to think I was still holding on to that "30" mark. I guess I was, and it seems God still has more for me to learn.

In about a week and a half we are going on a family trip to Chicago. I gave Corey tickets to the Braves (our local team) vs. the Cubs for his 30th birthday. It was going to be a trip for just the two of us, during the week our first miscarried baby was due. We decided a while back to take the kids too and Corey would take Noah to the game instead (a wise choice! :), and I am truly looking forward to it.

I have tried to look on the positive side of things today. I did pray...in EARNEST...that God would not allow me to get pregnant again if it wasn't going to be a healthy pregnancy... that He would please spare me the roller coaster and physical toll. I am very grateful for that. I truly and really and honestly and am thankful for that.

And, He has strengthened my own faith in the fact that we gave it 100% and totally to Him... and He is faithful.

And so time goes on. April 28th, 2011, my 30th birthday...will pass with no baby in my arms. But I'll survive. If I know anything from all this..I DO know that!

Moving On

It seems that everything is pretty much over with this miscarriage, physically. I have to say that I already feel better emotionally than I have in a very long time. I think it is because I feel that I have so much closure now...so much complete trust and faith.

I have learned, even more than before, that we should not try and be in control of planning things for ourselves. Maybe we all have things mixed up...where we try and plan the "big" moments of our lives, like marriage, babies, jobs, moves...when really those most important things are the very things we should not try to be in control of at all.

I don't mean that you should just leave your life to chance or not put any thought into them. But the control and planning over them... the people who have every "big" thing in their life planned...

God doesn't give us control over those things. He gives us power over the little things... what clothes to wear, what movie to see. Perhaps where to go on vacation, or what book to read next. But the big things... babies... those things, as much as we like to think we are in control... we really aren't. And as much as we think we have complete power to control the big decisions...I've come to realize that the best place for those decisions is in a place completely and totally out of my reach and influence. I don't want control over where I am going to live, or where I am going to work or when and if I will have more children. I am leaving all of those things completely up to God. His has a way of letting his will be known, if we just let it.

This isn't to say that I won't be actively participating or seeking His plan. But it does mean that whatever happens I will give thanks that I know it is His will if I am willing and praying for that in our lives. And we are.

I believe that God gives us wisdom to make choices. But, I have come to trust that I don't always know what the right choice is going to be until the moment comes. A goal of mine is to not worry about tomorrow...or next month, or next year. I will take each minute, hour, and day as it comes, trusting that wisdom will be given when I need it. Along with grace, I believe God gives wisdom freely and perfectly, to complete His plan for us.

It is our human nature to try and plan everything. But not everything matters. Only the big things. So don't "sweat the small stuff" because if its important enough, He won't let us sweat it out too long anyway. :)

Another Long Day

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

For we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death so that we would rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He who rescued us from so deadly a peril will continue to rescue us; on him we have set our hope that he will rescue us again. (2 Corinthians 1:8b-10a)

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)


It's been a very long day. Like the first hard time of 4 hours, but this time pretty much all day. Not as much pain until the past few hours, but I will just say that is has been a very....... hard.... day.

This is definitely turning out to be worse than I thought it would be. Definitely a lot worse than last time. I guess because I was further along and supposedly in a different type of pregnancy.

I am so tired and weak right now. I took extra iron this morning when it got worse but I don't seem to feeling the effects, though I may have felt the lack of affect if I had not taken it, so maybe it is helping and I just don't know it.

I feel bad complaining on here, but I meant this to be a log of my experiences, and I want to include all the stages, good and bad. I also know that this experience is can't compare with what many people have suffered and faced in their lives. My life has been so protected and blessed. But, in my life, this is what I am going through. And as a friend once told me... your broken foot doesn't make my paper cut hurt any less. A lightening of the mood there. :) I know God considers all of our needs and understands how they affect us individually. And He desires to meet them all equally.

I am still trusting and praying. I know this won't last forever. In retrospect it will seem such a tiny blip of time. But right now the day is really long.

A Perfect Day

Deuteronomy 32:4
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

Unlikely title for a post right now, huh? Well, yesterday, God's way was known in my life. Before I even got out of bed I had an email with a link to a post, a post that really spoke to me and our situation. My heart was so heavy and sad.

Then, I called my neighbor whom I hadn't spoken to in a few days. She is so wise and comforting. She is more wise than anyone "our" age has a right to be! ha ha. But, her talk encouraged me to just blindly trust in our situation. To embrace the fact that God is drawing me nearer to Him and is building a testimony. To not give up the words I have been given and the desires of my heart. To just tell God how I'm feeling because He already knows.

Sometimes the things we know are overwhelmed by the feelings and emotions of the moment.

I spent some time in prayer and crying. Then I got an encouraging comment from the writer of that post I had been given. Her words were comforting as well. I felt so at peace with our situation and the future. Comfortable and at peace with letting go of trying to figure everything out and know His plan.

Then, in the early afternoon, we got a definite answer. I spent four hours of the late afternoon/evening in deep physical pain, cramping, all that comes along with having a miscarriage.

One of my prayers was that if this wasn't going to happen for us this time, that it happen naturally at home. And God answered that prayer for me. Not only did He answer that prayer, but He orchestrated an entire morning devoted to the restoration of my soul and mind, so that when the time came I was as ready as I could be for something like that to happen.

It still made me cry. It still hurt and by no means was it a pleasant experience. It still isn't even completely over. But I believe the worst is behind me.

Had I entered that physical stage of this tragedy in the state of mind I was in when I woke up, then my evening would have been a much worse time, I know that.

I am trusting and believing. I don't know the future, but I really don't have to. And that is a freeing thought. I don't have to plan it all the time. I don't have to know what His plan is or ask for it to be revealed. Because I know eventually, it will.

Whatever happens, even a miscarriage....can happen in a good way. I had a perfect day today. Not perfectly happy, but perfect. A "right" day. Because it happened the way He ordained even before I was ever born. I trust that it was perfect. Because He is the Rock and His ways are perfect.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Nothing

Nothing. Too much. Not enough.

That's how I feel right now. There is just too much going on in my mind.....

I have no idea how we got from that point, to this one. The point where we were so sure of our decision..... that it was the right one, the prayed over and given answer...to now, where nothing makes sense and my heart is completely and totally broken.

I don't understand what is going on with my body and I don't understand how this has happened twice in 7 months now.

Today, I was unfortunately given a sure sign that this is over again.

And I just don't understand.

I am increasingly grateful for the children we have. I know that is more than a lot of people who go through these kinds of experiences can say. I am so very grateful for their smiles and hugs, and for just them. But I am sad at the same time...regretful that I didn't realize at the time what a precious and amazing miracle I was experiencing through their pregnancies and births. Not that I didn't realize it in many and some ways, but I just feel like I didn't realize it enough.

I don't want to feel this way. If this is an answer for us in some way that our family is complete, then I want, and I need for the desire to be taken away. I know it can happen, and that is my prayer. My prayer is for peace and for healing, and for health and happiness, and for the desire for more children to be taken away and for me to feel peaceful, if that is what this means for us.